Miss Manners: There’s second-guessing, and then there’s whatever this is

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While outside in the smoking area of a music venue a couple weeks ago, a woman next to me became a little too animated and lightly bumped into me. She apologized, and I politely responded that it was not a problem.

Then, I realized she was still looking at my sleeve with an anxious, guilty expression, and she started brushing at the spot with her finger. It seems that what had bumped into my jacket was not just her hand, but also the smoldering end of her cigarette, which left a visible burn on the jacket.

My reaction was, again, to tell her it wasn’t an issue, keeping a passive demeanor. But she disagreed, insisting that what she did was reckless. She apologized more fervently, called herself a derogatory term and said she would be more mindful, after which I hesitated, and then said, “I appreciate that.”

What I am left thinking is, should I have been more visibly upset, even angry, that she had damaged one of my nicer jackets? That she could have seriously injured me? Should I have reprimanded her and then followed that with forgiveness, despite her sincere apology? If I had given my girlfriend the jacket that night to help keep her warm, the cigarette could have seriously burned my arm instead. What the woman did was indeed reckless and dangerous.

But then, I also felt anxious about making her feel worse than she already did. She did not appear more than mildly intoxicated by alcohol (as was I).

I am naturally averse to conflict and prefer to cool things down than heat them up unless absolutely necessary, but I wonder if that was a time where a little heat would have been appropriate. My response to her feels undignified.

GENTLE READER: She also could have lit your jacket on fire and burned down the music venue, swallowing the whole town along with it. But fortunately, she did not.

Miss Manners does not wish to make light of your situation, merely to point out that assessing your relative reaction to a hypothetical situation is pointless. The woman was appropriately apologetic, but it was an accident – and could have happened to you or anyone else. Your diplomacy in the situation was the opposite of undignified: It was gracious and polite.

She still could have offered to pay for repairs to the jacket (whose potentially worse damage was thankfully not on your list), which you could have accepted or not. Either way, your being rude or heated would not have made the situation better. Only more contentious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to wear a wireless earpiece at church during the sermon?

GENTLE READER: It depends. Is it being used to amplify the sermon – or drown it out?

Either way, Miss Manners warns, you will have to explain yourself, as people will assume the latter. And keep in mind that lying in church seems a particularly damning idea.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.