Dear Annie: Finding financial balance
Dear Annie: Money can be one of the biggest sources of stress in a marriage, and it sounds like some people who write in to you feel more like accountants than equal partners. That’s a red flag. A healthy financial arrangement should feel fair, transparent and respectful – not like you’re under a microscope while your husband has free rein.
My husband and I have always shared a joint checking account, but I’ve started to feel like I have little control over our finances. Even though I earn as much – or sometimes more – than he does, I still feel like I have to justify my spending, while he treats our account like his personal ATM.
I’m starting to wonder if we should separate our finances to avoid arguments and create more financial independence. What’s the best way to go about this? Should we have separate accounts but still share certain expenses? And how can I ensure I’m protected financially if something were to happen?
I’d love your advice on the smartest way to manage money in a marriage while keeping things fair and transparent. – Seeking Financial Balance
Dear Balance: One way to handle this situation is to have separate accounts, along with a shared account for household expenses. You could each contribute a set amount to the joint account for bills, while keeping your own spending money separate. This allows for your independence while still working as a team.
Just as important, make sure your name is on all key financial documents – joint bank accounts, the mortgage and any shared credit cards. If you don’t already have credit in your own name, open an account now.
Even if finances have always been “his thing,” you have every right to be fully involved. A marriage should be a partnership, not a power struggle. Have an honest conversation with your husband about making finances more equitable. If he resists, that’s another red flag – one worth paying attention to.
Dear Annie: I’m a 56-year-old (turning 57 in June) who has lived with nocturnal enuresis – the clinical term for bedwetting – for years. To manage it, I wear adult-sized cloth or disposable diapers with waterproof covers, and I protect my bed with rubber and plastic sheets. This system helps me maintain my dignity, hygiene and peace of mind.
What I struggle with isn’t my condition; it’s the stigma around how I manage it. There seems to be a double standard when it comes to wearing diapers. Society accepts them for special needs children, the elderly and those with neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s or multiple sclerosis. But when an otherwise healthy adult wears them for a legitimate medical reason, it’s met with ridicule or judgment. Even some medical professionals seem to view diapers as “babyish” rather than as a practical medical tool.
Why does this stigma exist? Why is something as simple as a medical garment treated with embarrassment or shame when it serves a necessary purpose? I’d love to hear your thoughts. – Diapered and Disillusioned
Dear Diapered and Disillusioned: Unfortunately, society has a way of attaching unnecessary stigma to perfectly practical solutions. Diapers are a medical tool, no different from glasses or a cane, yet people associate them with infancy rather than necessity. The double standard you mention likely comes from discomfort with topics related to bodily functions; many prefer to ignore what they don’t understand.
The good news is that you don’t need society’s approval to manage your health. Wear your diapers with confidence, and don’t let ignorance dictate your self-worth.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.