Dear Annie: Setting boundaries with overbearing mother-in-law

Dear Annie: My husband, “Jake,” and I have been married for eight years. We have a 5-year-old son, “Caleb.” For the most part, we have a solid marriage, but there’s one issue that keeps coming up – his mother, “Linda.”

Linda has always been a little overbearing, but ever since Caleb was born, it’s gotten worse. She stops by unannounced at least twice a week, criticizes my parenting (“You should really be making his lunches from scratch”) and overstays her welcome. Last month, she gave Caleb ice cream right before bed, even though I’d told her not to. When I said something, she laughed and told me to “lighten up.”

I’ve told Jake how much this bothers me, but he avoids conflict. He says, “That’s just how she is,” and tells me to let it go. But I can’t keep letting it go; it’s exhausting. I don’t want to start a family war, but I also don’t want to keep feeling disrespected in my own home.

How do I handle this when my husband won’t step up? – Tired of the Third Parent

Dear Tired: Just because your husband is used to his mother’s behavior doesn’t mean you have to accept it. The first step is having a conversation with Jake. Explain to him that his mother’s presence affects your sense of privacy and control in your own home, and that you need him to back you up on this for the sake of your marriage. Then, together, you can establish some ground rules for his mother’s visits.

Dear Annie: I feel, in many ways, like it’s time for me to leave – as in, life. I keep finding reasons to give up. I don’t have a real plan. I’ve thought of an overdose, but for one, so many attempts are made that way that aren’t full suicides (Am I crying for attention or really doing something here?), and two, I worry so much I’d screw it up and end up worse than dead.

Life has lost all light. It’s one thing to be like, “Well, you’re a grown-up now, of course life isn’t fun and games anymore!” But this goes so far beyond that. I dread waking up, and I sleep more these days. I go to bed earlier and earlier just to be done with the day already.

I’ve endured financial trouble. I’ve lost friendships. I’ve had massive, consistent weight gain, insomnia and chronic pain. The country is in a bad place. Any of these would be enough to push me over the edge. So why haven’t I done it yet? Am I just lazy?

I’ve been in counseling for almost 30 years and on meds for 25. Sometimes they help, sometimes not. I just feel so hopeless, terrified, miserable and empty. I can’t keep going like this much longer. – Hopeless and Helpless

Dear Hopeless: My heart breaks reading your letter. I can feel your pain and your struggles. But I need you to hear this: You matter – so much. The fact you wrote and sent this letter at all tells me you are incredibly strong and still fighting to be here.

Therapy and medication, which you’ve pursued, are great treatment options. You have to find your right fit, though, and now sounds like the perfect time to explore changing things up to work better for you. I’d also highly recommend an appointment with your primary care physician. I wouldn’t be surprised if the way you’re feeling is being influenced by something else going on in your body.

Depression makes it easy for us to believe nothing will ever change, but that’s not true. Every day and every baby step forward is progress. If you feel yourself in that dark place, don’t hesitate to contact the suicide prevention hotline at 988 or visit https://988lifeline.org/.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.