Miss Manners: Wondering what they’d prefer? Just ask

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a longtime friend, and now neighbor, who cannot consume food orally due to extensive cancer surgeries and treatments years ago. They can consume very limited quantities of liquids, but they use a tube-feeding process for all nutrition, and have done so for years.

We will soon host a formal, seated dinner party for a dozen neighbors to meet the newest people who have moved to our street. This includes our friend. The friend accepted our invitation, obviously wishing to be included in the introductions and conversation, which was our desired outcome.

They have attended several casual social events at our home in the past, but never a seated event centered around a meal. What is the most polite way to set the dinner table when one person will not be eating any food? Should there still be plates and flatware at their spot, or only glasses? Or a full place setting, but without any food?

We have considered offering the friend the option to use their tube-feeding method while seated at the table; the process is fairly routine and familiar to me, due to a long career in health care. However, for this individual, the process requires being reclined.

We do intend to allow this friend to give any personal explanation to the new guests, who will be unaware of the situation. But the place setting (or lack thereof), plus the lack of any food, will certainly draw everyone’s attention.

GENTLE READER: Setting the table in full would be Miss Manners’ choice, to avoid forcing your friend to respond to others exclaiming, “You don’t have a plate.”

But she wonders why, in such special cases, the person who has the most experience and is most affected by the situation is not immediately consulted.

Please ask your friend for their preference.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend’s daughter recently died. In lieu of flowers, they suggested a donation to a charity, which we did. We will tell them we made the donation, but should we tell them how much we gave?

GENTLE READER: Why?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do we have until March to send New Year’s cards?

GENTLE READER: It depends on what turn-of-the-year you are celebrating.

Oh, go ahead when you are ready. Miss Manners suspects that the recipients will just blame the post office.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.