Miss Manners: Partygoers: Be like ‘guest a’

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a party at my house with a few friends and family members. Guest A complimented my decor and asked if she could help with prep. I assured her that my adult children were great helpers; they knew their way around the kitchen as they had grown up in this house.

She chatted with us for a while and then mingled with other guests. After dinner, Guest A (along with others) remarked that everything was beautiful and delicious; they had fun and were grateful to be invited. Later, as I cleaned up, I basked in the glow of many compliments for my party.

A few months later, I had a similar party. Guest B told me that I was doing too much, going overboard and did not need to do this or that. Several times she told me I should sit down and relax. Despite telling her I had plenty of help, she persisted until I gave her a simple task.

This task evidently required constant guidance and assurance that she was “doing it right” and “not ruining everything.” She said, “I bet you regret asking me to do this!”

Later, Guest B started clearing off the dinner table before everyone had finished eating, then pulled me away from the table with inquiries about cleaning supplies, storage containers and what to do with the items she just brought into the kitchen.

When she left, Guest B remarked that she was disappointed that I had not been able to relax and enjoy my own party.

GENTLE READER: Yes: How strange that you could not relax and enjoy yourself while she harangued you with insults thinly disguised as concern.

Criticizing a host’s household arrangements is plain rude. Miss Manners notes that people do it because their own standards are lower, so they want others to dumb things down: “Don’t be so fancy!” Claiming that this is done out of concern for the host’s well-being and happiness is just as bad.

What you need to say, gently, is: “I like to do things my way in my own house. Now, can I get you a drink?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to substitute at bridge for someone who said he was ill and could not play. But when I arrived at the game the next day, he was there: He had taken a place at the table and the game had just begun.

A list with my name on it as a substitute was emailed to everyone, but he claimed not to have received it (everyone else had). Should he have relinquished his seat?

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to pose a different question: Should the original players have gone about their game while ignoring the invited substitute?

Contrary to the usual dynamic, an invitation to fill in creates an obligation in the host. For example, if you answer a plea to come to a dinner party at the last minute to help entertain a difficult guest, the host owes you a different invitation – one that shows that he values your company as well as your assistance.

Yes, the confused player should have yielded his seat to you. At the least, the host could have rotated players, leaving each person a chance to return to the snacks and chat up the dummy. Did they merely ignore you, Miss Manners hopes that you left.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.