Grand advice: North Idaho woman has global audience for grandparents to relish that role

DeeDee Moore didn’t have much time to envision her role as a grandparent. Her eldest son had his first baby while she was still parenting her youngest child.

Moore’s first grandson is 8, followed by two granddaughters, 6 and 4. With the first, she realized how much had changed for many parents as they tracked new research on child safety, screen time and development.

In 2019, she created More Than Grand, a blog to help educate new grandparents about these differences. She also has tips to help elders strengthen bonds with grandchildren and both parents.

“My youngest daughter literally graduated from high school the day before my grandson was born,” said Moore, 60, a Coeur d’Alene-area resident.

She and her husband have four adult children, but their births were spread out.

“We had two children, then there was like an eight-year gap and we had two more. Parenting had changed so much between our first two and second two that I knew by the time I had grandchildren, things had changed so much more.”

Many parents began shifting tactics that are sometimes confusing to grandparents, who simply asked relatives or friends for advice, Moore said. Social media, technology and the availability of more information on parenting and child development are all part of those differences.

Parents also face a more complex – and apparently less safe – world, she said. They more commonly feel stressed by finances, child care, safety and work demands.

“A lot of grandparents have trouble understanding how much things have changed in the parenting landscape, and it’s more extreme now than ever,” Moore said.

“I try hard to help translate the things that the parents want grandparents to know are different, and to help grandparents who are saying, ‘What do I do here? This is all new.’ ”

She explains things like sleep training methods or why rear-facing car seats are safer despite an appearance of cramped quarters, “but the spine is protected.”

Older generations typically relied on a pediatrician, a couple of parenting books, intuition and advice from mothers, neighbors and friends.

“Parents don’t do that anymore,” she said. “They don’t always even trust their pediatrician. As grandparents, a lot of times that can be hurtful, because we’ve got very relevant experience. Parents just don’t want it most of the time.

“Another thing that’s different is there has just been so much more research about brain development, about safety. Parents do know more today than we did.”

No matter the decade, parenting is never easy, Moore said, but modern pressures seem to have escalated.

She did a recent blog around the Aug. 28 U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents, and how many of them report high levels of stress. It highlighted an urgent need to support parents, caregivers and families.

The Surgeon General said that today’s parents face a range of unique stressors, including rising financial strain and economic instability, time demands, children’s health and safety, parental isolation and difficulty managing technology, social media and cultural pressures.

Current mental health conditions disproportionately affect parents and caregivers who face family or community violence, poverty, racism and discrimination, according to the report. Moore said grandparents can be part of that call to support parents, but in appropriate ways.

“I included things like supporting legislation that supports parents – family leave, subsidized child care – volunteering and supporting community groups that support parents who are struggling. You could even call and see if you can bring dinner over to your kids.

“But another thing I address in there is that sometimes grandparents are adding to parents’ stress by not respecting the rules and boundaries that parents have tried to set.”

That might include ignoring a request to stop bringing toys or gifts.

“That’s literally the No. 1 thing parents complain about is the number of gifts that grandparents give,” she said.

A former communications consultant, Moore started More Than Grand’s by writing blogs. It evolved into more of a business with its website, social media posts and paid-for digital courses for grandparents.

She still offers free information through blogs, emails and website, she said, among readers globally. She has almost 35,000 Instagram followers and 4,000 email recipients.

“I started it because I couldn’t find a website that had information for new grandparents. There are grandparenting websites out there, but they tend to be more lifestyle-oriented, rather than just aimed at your relationship with your grandchildren and your family.

“The relationship is huge, so that’s really what I focus on is how to create that strong relationship through your grandchild, which starts with your relationship with the parents. It all comes down to communication and trust.

“I try to just keep it to new grandparents. Once children are over the age of 5, I’m not going to provide you with tips on bonding with your teen grandchild. There is just so much that new grandparents need and want.”

Technology allows grandparents to connect with their grandchildren regularly, even at a distance, for activities and purposeful interactions, she said.

Her three grandchildren live remotely, so Moore read stories to them each day in the years before they started elementary school.

“I read to them every day when they were having lunch,” she said. “That way they were sitting still, and mom set up the iPad. I read three or four stories, and she had 20 minutes when the kids weren’t asking her for anything.”

She still reads to them on weekends when they have time.

“I write them letters. That’s an easy thing grandparents can do, to share stories of your childhood or their parents’, sending them pictures and making trips to see them when you get a chance.

“It’s about being together. I don’t bring gifts, because I don’t want the focus on that.”

She encourages new grandparents to spend time thinking about what legacy or memories they want to share.

“A lot of grandparents will say, ‘I want to pass along my love of music,’ but how are you actually going to do that? Are you going to pay for music lessons, take them to concerts, spend time in the car listening to different kinds of music?”

Some grandparents alternate in taking vacations with one grandchild at a time, or they decide on certain regular activities or rituals with all the grandchildren.

“The point is to spend some time thinking about it. I find it fascinating that most grandparents will tell you it’s the most amazing role they’ve ever had, and yet, most of them do nothing to prepare for that role.

“Being a grandparent is worth putting some effort into.”