Miss Manners: Cousin keeps issuing bait-and-switch-dinner invitations

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin invited me for dinner on a Sunday night and asked me to bring wine and a dessert. When I got there, she said it had been a very busy weekend and she hadn’t had time to cook.

She took me with her to a chain takeout place and bought one item that the sign said was for one to two people (her husband and daughter were joining us). So I bought (and paid for) more food so there would be enough for all of us. She thanked me profusely.

A couple months later, she invited me over on a Sunday again (with a request for wine and an appetizer), and again, she didn’t have time to cook and she brought me with her to another chain takeout place where she hemmed and hawed about prices (she said they were broke after buying a new SUV and taking an expensive Hawaiian vacation) until I offered to pay for half.

I don’t mind chipping in on a meal, but I’m wondering why she’s inviting me over at all if entertaining is a burden, both time-wise and financially. Am I rude if I politely decline the next invitation?

GENTLE READER: The expression that comes to Miss Manners’ mind is “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

Should you still wish to go to dinner at your cousin’s, you might ask her just beforehand whether she has had time to prepare, because if not, you will spare her the rush and go another time. It will at least alert her that you are on to her little scheme.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I entertained two guests on separate occasions: One was a guest for the weekend, and the other just for dinner. Each one put their feet on my coffee table as they were sitting on the couch. (One was barefoot and the other was shod.)

Astounded as I was, I said nothing. What would have been the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: “Sorry, I don’t have a footstool, but I can get you a pillow. Meanwhile, let me move this coffee table out of your way.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I invited a new friend, who lives about three hours away, to stay with us when they were visiting our city.

We told them to make themselves at home – “Once you know where things are, please help yourself” – and they did make themselves comfortable. However, they didn’t clean up after themselves: dirty dishes and glasses left everywhere, dirty coffee spoons left on the counter (right below where the saucers are clearly kept), etc.

I’ve never visited family or friends without cleaning up after myself. Should I follow houseguests around to clean up their dishes? Or should I politely inform them I am not here to be their waiter, busboy and cook? How should I address this politely?

GENTLE READER: Maybe you should have checked out their home before telling them to consider yours theirs.

There is no polite way to chastise your guests. But Miss Manners will allow you to help them feel even more at home by saying, “Here’s where the dishes go after we wash them.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.