Miss Manners: People are being melodramatic about my ‘scary’ dog
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved to a new area and adopted a large dog from a shelter. Large dogs were common where I grew up, and while some people didn’t care for dogs, very few people were scared of them.
In this new area, I’ve noticed that some people are outright afraid of my dog. While on a walk, I saw a mother gasp and clutch her toddler to her chest to keep him out of the dog’s path. One neighbor literally screamed when the dog walked past her open door. (The dog was ahead of me and she did glance into the open door, so I suppose the woman didn’t see the leash and thought that she was loose.)
A grown man stepped off the elevator when we entered, saying he would take the next one and flattening himself to the wall to keep his distance as he did so.
How should I react when someone is scared of my dog? I obviously feel bad for scaring people, and my instinct is to apologize and remove my dog from the situation. I will continue walking her away from people who are clearly uncomfortable, but are apologies necessary when neither my dog nor I are doing anything wrong?
Is there a phrase you can suggest to convey that I’m sorry they’re feeling this way, without implying any wrongdoing?
GENTLE READER: Moving to a new area always involves a period of adjusting to local custom. Unless your pet is the size of a bear, the three reactions you describe are suspiciously dramatic – and therefore worth investigating further.
Has the (supposedly) grown man, for example, chosen an unfortunately childish way to alert you to a building rule of which you were unaware, concerning pets in elevators?
Once you are confident that you are not violating any unfamiliar rules, you will still have to account for the fright: “She’s harmless; there is no need to be afraid.” But Miss Manners will agree that this may be said a trifle stiffly if you believe the dramatization of said fear to be out of proportion to the actual emotion.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is in a rehabilitation facility, receiving physical therapy to improve his strength after orthopedic surgery. He is in a semiprivate room. His bed is by the window; the other bed is by the door.
What is the proper way to pass by the other man’s bed to get to my husband’s? Should I avoid looking at the other patient? Look and nod? Look and greet?
GENTLE READER: The etiquette of the semiprivate room in a medical facility requires a delicate balance between familiarity and distance. One can hardly pretend the other person is not there, so initial introductions and greetings are in order.
But it is also necessary to provide a level of privacy – looking away when necessary – that does not, in fact, exist. A brief “Good afternoon” (if the patient is awake) will do as you move past. Think of it as the psychological equivalent of the fabric curtain drawn down the middle of the room – a barrier that has to be believed to be seen.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.