Miss Manners: Don’t compound neighbor’s grief

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor’s son died on Christmas Day, unfortunately. His car has been parked in one of our parking spots ever since. My neighbor wants to give it away to someone, but will not take action.

My husband and I, along with some of our other neighbors, friends and our common landlord, have all asked that the car be moved, but she has not acted. Should I call the police anonymously?

GENTLE READER: “Unfortunately”? Well, yes.

How you can even think of adding to your bereaved neighbor’s suffering by calling the police on her, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

When someone has known a tragedy, kind people try to figure out how they can help. In this case, it is obvious – and will even get you back that parking space.

You should ask the neighbor if there is a particular person or charity she would like to have the car, or whether she wants to sell it – assuring her that you, the concerned neighbors, will handle either. And if she is not ready to let go of it, you can offer to move it to a nearby legal parking spot.

And then, ask if there is anything else you can help her with.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When closing a letter, I use the formula my grandfather habitually used: “Your Obedient Servant.”

Because I’m so frequently interrogated with concerns about my self-esteem, I’m forced to the conclusion that we seem to live in times with an excess of self-regard.

Is such a closing too old-fashioned to be any longer borne? Am I an old fussbudget? Am I offending people?

GENTLE READER: Rather, you are letting them indulge in this era’s favorite pastime: analyzing one another.

Your grandfather’s use of the phrase was different. He was just being cute, because that phrase was out of use long before he was born. It is beyond “old-fashioned” and well into “historic.” Yet people who read history might have recognized it and been amused.

Miss Manners understands the attraction of graceful old phrases. She is sorry to see “Dear” in the salutation being replaced with “Hi!” and “Yours sincerely” or “Yours truly” replaced by “Best,” without saying best what.

But people now take conventions literally, and apparently they do not hold their correspondents dear, nor themselves sincere or true. So they are interpreting your politeness as humility. If that annoys you, stop giving them the chance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once in a while, I encounter a former colleague or acquaintance who is obviously undergoing some type of medical treatment. The most common sign is hair loss, but sometimes there has also been a drastic weight loss or pallor.

I am militant in my belief that people have an absolute right to personal privacy in all matters. I wonder, however, if I seem callous in not noting the obvious.

I do not wish to be insensitive to others’ struggles, but also don’t want to intrude. Is there anything else besides “How are you?” that I may ask?

GENTLE READER: It is the height of insensitivity to size up people’s looks, and then make assumptions on which to base prying questions. Guessing what might be wrong not only deprives them of control over what to confide, but is only too likely to be wrong. Miss Manners begs you to respect your own declared respect for other people’s privacy.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.