Miss Manners: Friend wnats me to attend ‘farewell dinner’ for her ex

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a close friend who is getting divorced. Her husband told her he didn’t want to be married anymore. He “wants to be free.” Of course, she is devastated.

She has asked my husband and me to join her, her son and the ex for dinner, saying she wants us to see him before he moves. I have already told her that I’m upset by the situation, that I won’t be sending him off on a white horse and that such a dinner would be awkward.

What should I do?

GENTLE READER: First, you should understand what your friend wants you to do. It is not that she wants you to bid farewell to her fleeing husband. She wants a buffer so that he does not behave badly – possibly in reaction to her own planned bad behavior at this meal.

Miss Manners hardly blames you for wanting no part of this. You would be lucky if it were only awkward, and did not turn nasty.

But this is a close friend in crisis, and surely you want to help her. The kindest thing would be to talk her this idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I keep seeing letters to you, and to other advice columnists, talking about wedding invitations being gift-grabs.

When we were making the guest list for my child’s wedding last year, our thinking was that weddings are an opportunity for family and friends, both far and near, to get together. So we sent invitations to some people whom we value but don’t see often. We also invited some friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it – both because it seemed rude not to and because if their situation changed, we wanted them to have the option to attend.

We expected the people we invited to decide whether to come or not, and never expected gifts from those who did not accept. Now I am worried that some people might think that we only invited them in hopes of them sending a gift.

Was our thinking wrong? Are people expected to send a gift to everyone who invites them to a wedding, even if they decline the invitation?

Is it worse to invite more people and have them think it is a gift-grab, or to invite fewer and have people think we don’t value them?

GENTLE READER: It is not actually a gift-grab because giving presents is always voluntary – especially when one is not attending the event.

Yet people have come to believe that a wedding invitation is a bill that is due even if the invitation is declined, and that a present is the cost of admission. This is an ugly and wrong interpretation, and Miss Manners is sorry that it can be misapplied to people like you, who only want to gather the people they like.

It is true that it is customary for guests who care enough about the couple to attend the wedding to also give presents. But it is not mandatory, and couples should not feel slighted by those who do not.

Nor should anyone assume that a couple inviting people they would like to see could be motivated only by greed.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.