Miss Manners: Friend accepts invitations, then bails

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have twice invited a friend to parties after asking if the dates were open for her, and she accepted each time. About a week before each party, she said that she was going to do something else and wouldn’t be coming.

Am I being overly sensitive to be a bit bothered by this? My parents always told me that once you accept an invitation, you honor it. Backing out later (unless there is an emergency or illness) gives the impression that you’ve found something better to do.

GENTLE READER: Your parents and Miss Manners were in agreement up until they veered off into euphemism.

Miss Manners would have concluded by saying that backing out gives the impression you – or in this case, your friend – have no manners. After all, there is little doubt your friend preferred the second option, since she took it.

To answer your question, you are not being overly sensitive: A proper amount of sensitivity would have precluded offering a second invitation after having been once snubbed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has a terminal illness and has been undergoing treatment for several months. Many of her close friends have been very generous with meals, cards and flowers, for which we are both grateful and appreciative.

Early on, a former colleague of mine (from 14 years ago) learned of my spouse’s illness and signed up via a meal service application to bring food during the tougher treatment weeks. She will also sometimes drop food or items at our front door, which we only find hours later.

Most gifts are lovely, but it is getting to be too much. Last week, she dropped off three new hardback books – which my wife cannot hold, due to her weakened condition. Earlier this week, she brought food that none of us could eat, due to the restrictive ingredients that she didn’t notice in the meal sign-up application.

Today she dropped off 15 magazines. Again, this is very thoughtful and generous, but now I have to spend more effort and time to dispose of or donate these items. Thankfully we were able to give away the food that we couldn’t eat (after my spouse had a single bite to enable her to write a legitimate thank-you note).

I’m hoping the gifts will stop soon, but is there a way for my wife to diplomatically say, “You’ve done enough; please stop!” in her next thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: Not only is it possible to put a stop to it, it is necessary, as the last thing your former colleague would want is to make the situation worse.

But Miss Manners wonders why you would wait for your wife to write the letter of thanks. You can relieve her of some etiquette tasks as surely as you can pick up the items left at the door.

Call the gift-giver at once to explain your gratitude – and your practical limits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely stop a person who wants to tell me gossip?

GENTLE READER: Practice listening attentively in a way that nevertheless gives the distinct impression that you missed every word.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.