Miss Manners: Cashier’s ‘congrats’ is out of bonds

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How I should have responded to a cashier who overstepped?

Some background: I had my second child about 15 months ago. My husband and I are not looking to have a third. I’m still breastfeeding, which makes my cycle rather unpredictable; still, I was concerned recently when I seemed to be a week late.

I stopped to pick up a pregnancy test. At the checkout, the cashier congratulated me.

I was honest, telling her that I was hoping it was negative as I didn’t want to have a third C-section at age 42. She then said that I should enjoy any life I create and that any baby is a blessing. I just nodded, paid and left.

While I would have been happy if the test had been positive, I would also have been a little flustered and stressed. We would have had to move to a bigger house, for one thing. But none of that was the cashier’s business.

I felt like she was being really intrusive. What is the proper response in this situation, should it arise again?

GENTLE READER: What was that cashier thinking? “Congratulations” for what? Anyone buying a pregnancy test does not know if she is pregnant.

Miss Manners is aware that some consider personhood to begin at conception. This lady takes it a bit further, conferring congratulations on the mere possibility. And yours is not the only situation in which this cashier’s “congratulations” would be inappropriate. It would be upsetting for someone hoping for a positive result, but steeling herself against disappointment, for instance.

You did not need to respond to the “congratulations” because it was impertinent. As her subsequent remarks proved, she was not thinking of you, but rather pushing an agenda. Your second reaction, merely leaving, was fine – and should be promoted to first place, should this happen again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are each attending high school reunions this year, and each had classmates whose parents we were close to at the time, and we’re wondering how to phrase a question regarding these parents’ still being alive.

How to ask about them? Or not?

GENTLE READER: You do not say what years these reunions mark, but Miss Manners gathers that it is long enough for you to presume that the parents may no longer be with us.

But as you know, any version of “Are they still alive?” is creepy. If they are, it sounds as if they have overstayed their welcome, and if they are not, it sounds as if they have let you down.

Rather, Miss Manners suggests simply telling your classmates how much you liked their parents, providing examples of their kindness, if possible.

If a classmate says, “They’ll be so pleased to hear this,” they are alive. If the response is “I’m so touched to hear this,” they are not.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.