MIss Manners: Does quitting social media mean losing friends?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: About two years ago, I completely and successfully left all social media behind. I also limited my texting to essential information. It has been largely a wonderful change in my life.
Still, I have friends who cannot accept that I am not looking at their posts and do not engage in lengthy conversations via text. I also have no interest in watching lengthy videos that someone sends me, or in responding to angry posts.
A few have told me that I am rude for not conforming with the modern way of engaging with others. One friendship ended because he told me I was trying to force my modes of communication (phone conversations and in-person gatherings) on him, and did not accept his. I would think being locked down during COVID would have made people want to get out more, but it seems to have had the opposite effect in my social circle.
Am I violating appropriate behavior by wanting to hear my friends’ voices and see their faces, instead of limiting our interactions to abbreviated text chats? Maybe I am trying to force them to communicate in ways I prefer.
If I am not in the wrong, is there a proper way to express my wishes without further alienating others? Maybe someone who doesn’t want to talk or meet up is not a friendship I should maintain anyway.
GENTLE READER: It will surprise no one that Miss Manners herself eschews most social media and yet somehow manages to maintain an active social life.
She has noticed (as you, no doubt, found out yourself when you quit) that despite the many arguments to the contrary, social media is not really … social. Its communication is mostly one-sided – which is perhaps why it is attractive to many in the first place.
Miss Manners predicts that its role as a primary means of communication will fade as people become tired of its many downsides: the exaggeration and monetization of people’s lives, the constant witnessing of parties one was not invited to, the seeking of validation in “likes” and comments, the relentless negativity and the public shunning for saying one dumb thing one time.
Even if the argument that you would rather have an actual conversation than communicate through posts does not sway your more stubborn friends, Miss Manners encourages you to hold strong. And when making new friends, simply say: “I’m afraid that I am not on social media, but I would love to be in touch. Here is my [phone number/mailing address/any of a bazillion other contact methods]. Please use that to reach me.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some people, one childhood friend in particular, seem to think I’ll be fascinated by their every health concern.
After a lifetime in health care, I very much do not want to hear these details. The occasional question, sure. But 20 increasingly queasy minutes of nonstop description? No.
Is there a polite way to interrupt these topics that they so love discussing?
GENTLE READER: “I have been out of practice for quite a while now, so I wouldn’t want to give you wrong information. You should save these intricate details for a specialist.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.