Dear Annie: Slighted by not being invited

Dear Annie: I don’t know how to act. My husband’s nephew is getting married in another state. We heard all the aunts and uncles were invited, but we never received a save the date or an invite.

My sisters-in-law and mother-in-law are aware that we didn’t get an invite. A couple brothers-in-law asked if we were attending the wedding – obviously assuming all would be invited. It was uncomfortable having to tell them we were never invited. They said it must have been an oversight, but there has been a month to correct the oversight and still no invite.

Do I just let this go? I’m feeling pretty slighted by my husband’s family. We’ve always had decent relations with all family members, nothing out of the ordinary besides some usual family drama over the years.

This is a large family, and I understand the invitation number is tight, and it will be a small wedding. Still, I can’t help feeling slighted. How do I get past this? I’m uncomfortable calling my sister-in-law; if we get invited now, it is too late. The damage is done. – Feeling Slighted

Dear Feeling Slighted: I agree it’s a bad idea to call your sister-in-law at this point. If the invite hasn’t come, bringing it up might only create unnecessary tension. Since the wedding is small and space is limited, it’s likely that the guest list had to be trimmed, even if that’s hard to accept.

Instead, try to focus on the bigger picture – your relationship with your husband’s family beyond this one event. Once the wedding passes, you can continue to maintain a positive relationship with them, so long as you don’t hold on to any resentment. Although the lack of an invitation feels personal, weddings are bound by limitations such as budget and venue capacity, and sometimes decisions are made that don’t reflect deeper feelings.

Dear Annie: I have two grown children. My daughter has a boyfriend, and I just don’t get along with him. He’s a military veteran, and he served during the Iraq conflict and was honorably discharged. His name is “John.”

I am also a military veteran and served for 20 years.

My daughter has mentioned that John sees a mental health provider at the VA hospital. I also get medical care at the VA hospital and with mental health providers.

My daughter and I are on good terms, but we have had conflicts over her boyfriend. I currently don’t speak to her boyfriend, and we don’t attend the same family gatherings so that we won’t run into each other. My son and daughter get along very well.

I don’t want to be in this situation with John. He’s very reserved and has mentioned that he has been diagnosed with PTSD. In the past, when he attended our family gatherings, he sat in a corner of the house and didn’t want to interact with any of us.

I tried to be understanding and make him feel welcome, but he doesn’t reciprocate at all. I know now to just let it be, but I think it’s too late for me to make amends with John.

I’m 64 and my way of thinking is, life is short, and I want to embrace my whole family, including John. I don’t know how to approach John and get along with him. I love reading your column. Please advise. – Concerned Mom in Texas

Dear Concerned Mom: PTSD can make social situations overwhelming for John, which might explain his withdrawal during family gatherings. It’s not a reflection on you or your efforts at hospitality.

The best way to embrace John is to simply make an effort. Stop avoiding him. Initiate a conversation. The fact that you share a military background could be a starting point for finding common ground.

If he doesn’t respond in kind, know that it isn’t personal. Even if he doesn’t appreciate your efforts, your daughter certainly will.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.