Miss Manners: My relatives are doing ‘free refills’ wrong

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our local movie theater offers free refills of popcorn and drinks. My family members insist on getting these refills after a movie to take home with them.

As they get their refills, I stand back and feel embarrassed to be in their party, because I believe the offer is meant to be enjoyed during the film. I also worry about the already-high concession prices going up if everybody did this.

Are they acting inappropriately, or am I just being too anxious?

GENTLE READER: How very clever of your family members to notice that management did not say the refills were only for consumption on premises, but we all know what the theater meant.

Miss Manners is confident that prices will continue to go up no matter what your relatives do, but she will think of them the next time she sees a wall of small print at the concessions stand.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoyed a very happy marriage for 30 years, despite his mother never liking me and her attempts to undermine me.

Last month, we were vacationing in Sri Lanka when he died suddenly in his sleep. It took five days for me to get home. Those days were spent complying with local legalities, arranging for him to be cremated and for his ashes to be returned to the States, and rebooking an international flight.

I was uncomfortable having people hear about his death while I was still halfway around the world, but once I was safely home, I immediately notified everyone. I also ran an obituary in the local newspaper.

His mother is absolutely livid with me for not telling her for five days. She wrote me a vicious email in which she called me every bad name in the book and even hinted that I may have had something to do with his demise.

Of course I am not going to respond to her, but did I do wrong by delaying the announcement? Is there a rule that says that his family was entitled to immediate notification?

GENTLE READER: There is no formula that will answer your question with a number of hours or days, just as there is no excuse for a mother-in-law sending a vicious email to a grieving widow.

But there is certainly a duty to convey such news promptly, and telling your husband’s mother should be a significantly higher priority than running an obituary. Being halfway around the world, grieving, feeling alone and overwhelmed, and perhaps also being in shock all combine to excuse some delay. However, access to technology erodes this excuse.

It is well to remember that delay is, itself, hurtful – so much so that if past mistreatment by your mother-in-law figured in your choice not to call her sooner, that reflects poorly on you, not her.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.