Dear Annie: Snubbed by so-called friend

Dear Annie: I tend not to tell people when they hurt my feelings because it feels rude to correct others’ choices. This is especially true when it comes to social invitations. A few weeks ago, I had lunch with someone I consider a very close friend. We see each other a few times a month and have even traveled together. During lunch, they were excitedly telling me about a new gourmet group they were forming – a rotating dinner party. I said that it sounded like a lot of fun and that I was interested in joining.

The next time we met, the topic of the group came up again. To my shock and dismay, I was told, indirectly, that I wouldn’t be included. My friend said, “I am going to be very selective about who I include because there are some people who think parties are ‘the more the merrier,’ and we just can’t have that. Like the time you asked me to include your mother at Easter; my table was at its max capacity.”

I was stunned. That request was 10 years ago, and at the time, it was met with cheerful acceptance. I would have gladly stayed home with my mother if my friend had simply said the table was full. To have this moment brought up now, as if it were some sort of transgression, was deeply hurtful. It felt like a blow from someone I had trusted and valued.

Now I find myself questioning our friendship. I no longer have any desire to be part of this “elite” group that seems to measure friendship by such rigid and unkind standards. However, I’m left wondering how to handle this situation. Should I confront my friend about how hurtful their words were, risking further tension? Or should I quietly step back, letting this friendship fade away in the face of such rudeness? – Sad Friend

Dear Sad Friend: You have every right to be stunned. Your friend sounds like a petty and unhappy person, holding onto resentment over something that happened 10 years ago on Easter. For your own sake, you should consider telling her how much her words hurt you, as this may provide you with some closure. What she said was not just insensitive; it was borderline cruel.

Hopefully, she will be able to do some self-reflection. By expressing how her actions affected you, you’re being a good friend and giving her a chance to understand the impact of her words.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.