Miss Manners: Should we anticipate neighbor’s usual guest?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I host an annual holiday dinner for a group of neighbors, one of whom has asked in the past if he could bring a guest. My wife, on our behalf, has always said yes.

Unfortunately, the guest is usually the neighbor’s on-again/off-again boyfriend, who is best described as obnoxious. During dinner, our neighbor frequently smirks condescendingly at his plus-one and winks at the rest of us. Ugh.

This neighbor accepted the invitation to dinner this year. My wife says the polite thing for her to do is to anticipate his request by telling him he can bring a guest. I say we should keep quiet to see if he asks.

Do the rules of etiquette come down on my wife’s side?

GENTLE READER: They do not – until the boyfriend becomes the husband, a neighbor or both. Waiting for the neighbor to ask for a second invitation is both sensible and permissible.

Should the boyfriend indeed be promoted, Miss Manners hopes it will at least lessen the likelihood of the now-husband mistreating you or one of your other guests: It would strengthen his position to the point that he might start objecting to the smirking and the condescension of his partner. But one problem at a time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received an online invitation to my relative’s 70th birthday: a surprise dinner and music at a nice restaurant. Included in the invite is a “suggested donation” amount of $50, with the donation going towards a vacation fund.

If that wasn’t odd enough (these relatives are well-off), they also suggested that if we “feel generous,” we can add an 18% gratuity. A gratuity for what?

This feels a little like a shakedown.

GENTLE READER: Only a little?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I participate with a small group that does what we can to support a small neighborhood alternative high school. Many of the students at the school are low-income.

I have been spending a fair amount of my own resources, including my time, soliciting donations of food and school supplies for teachers and students. I’m guessing I’ve picked up and dropped off more than $2,000 worth of donations. I’ve been glad to do it, because I see the need and it feels good being able to help out.

I’ve suddenly noticed that I have never received a word of thanks from anyone at the school. In one case, I got a much-needed $400 item donated to the auto shop program, but the teacher didn’t even acknowledge it.

I feel terrible saying this, because the kids have needs. But now that I’ve become aware of it, I’m feeling less generous. How can I get over it?

GENTLE READER: The emotional answer to that is out of Miss Manners’ area of expertise – certainly there is virtue in doing good deeds without acknowledgment.

But for those hoping to be on the receiving end, she notes that expressing gratitude also used to be considered virtuous – not to mention common sense.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.