Miss Manners: Uncle wants to rewrite history

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some years ago, my uncle, having never met my then-boyfriend, made a series of racist jokes about him. (My boyfriend is part-Asian.)

These jokes were made on my blog, which another family member had shared with my uncle without my consent. For example, if I wrote that I was attending a party, my uncle would comment, “Make sure to bring egg rolls for Chang!” (My boyfriend is not named Chang and is not Chinese.)

Years later, my father died suddenly. My uncle was supportive to me then, and my boyfriend was cordial to him as a kindness to me. My uncle said that he’d be honored to give me away at my wedding someday in lieu of my father, whom he idolized.

I didn’t mention the offer to my boyfriend, as marrying wasn’t on our minds then, and he seemed to be getting along with my uncle. But subsequently, we got engaged.

When I mentioned the prior jokes to my uncle, saying that I was glad he and my fiance had put it behind them, he completely denied it ever happened. He seemed to totally forget how cruel he’d been years ago. This infuriated my fiance, and he is now dead-set against my uncle even being at our wedding.

How will I tell my uncle this?

Truthfully, I think my uncle was a jerk back then and wants to rewrite history now, as he doesn’t want to believe he could have been so ignorant. An apology would go a long way, but I know he won’t give one.

GENTLE READER: Some things are painful – but not complicated. Miss Manners notes that this is not a political disagreement, nor a misunderstanding, nor a private thought that was not meant for public consumption, nor a joke gone wrong.

One could strip away the present political situation and the history of racial animus in America without affecting the underlying facts: Your uncle chose, without provocation, to belittle your boyfriend in a quasi-public forum where the insults were seen, as intended, by yourself, your boyfriend and most of your friends and family.

Your boyfriend’s instinct not to escalate had the intended effect of maintaining the peace. If that remains the goal, Miss Manners recommends the following solution to you and him, with whom the joint decision rests:

You will tell your uncle that the insulting posts unfortunately did happen; you both found them immensely hurtful, but that you both chose – and still choose – never to mention them again; you are grateful for his support and glad he has moved on; and that while you would be pleased to have him at your wedding, you have to decline his offer to act in place of your father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, I laid my credit card on the table to signal we were ready to pay. My daughter said that was discourteous and I should wait for the server to bring the bill.

I have done this for years, thinking I am expediting the situation for us all – particularly the server, who may want our table for the next customers. Am I being rude?

GENTLE READER: No – your daughter is being overly fastidious, as daughters sometimes are. But you could also simply ask for the check.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.