Parenting: How do I convince my teen with anxiety she needs to go to school?

Dear Meghan: I am the mother of two teenage daughters, and their personalities couldn’t be further apart. The youngest is a freshman at a private school, is active in cheerleading and gymnastics and has a busy social life. The eldest is a junior at the public alternative high school, and she was accepted to a competitive art program offered by the district, so she splits her class time. Her personality leans toward the moody, artsy type, and last year I worked to get her an antianxiety prescription, which she takes inconsistently. Her doctor recommended counseling, but that didn’t seem to take either.

The problem right now is that I am struggling to get her to attend school every day. COVID turned the world upside down, and now I can’t get her back on track. She stays up all night so of course is too tired to get up in the morning, or she’ll say she’s feeling too anxious to go, or she’ll despair that she can’t get her hair or makeup right so she can’t leave the house. I end up having to message the school so she doesn’t get an unexcused absence and she is permitted to do her schoolwork at home.

I know I’m inclined to avoid conflict, and I know I should have set stronger boundaries when my girls were younger. But I’ve tried cajoling, I’ve tried appealing to reason, and I’ve tried encouraging her to go so she can build a portfolio for college. I’ve tried pointing out that adulting means going to school or work even when you don’t feel like it. I’ve even tried to be tough (which was hard for me!), and I’ve talked to her art teacher, who agrees this is a problem.

I don’t know what else to do. Can you suggest any new approaches? – Wit’s End and Worried

Wit’s End and Worried: It’s amazing how different two children in the same family can be, right? Whether you value it or not, your younger daughter clearly falls into the desired “American girl” stereotype: athletic, social and hardworking. Your older, though, daughter fits more of the “outsider” stereotype, and she thrives through creativity and may be more in tune with her emotions. It is easy for parents to view an artsy, sensitive child as a problem to be solved. Yes, anxiety and school refusal are real, but let’s zoom out a bit.

I recently listened to a podcast called “Let’s Begin,” and host Jenna Arnold and guest Kier Gaines were discussing how so many of us are still hooked on the old ways of measuring success in our children: grades, happiness, staying focused, being like “everyone else” (whatever that means). They talked about what is lost when we focus all our parental attention on these perceived successes; we lose opportunities to connect with our children, we lose understanding our own values more deeply, and worst of all, we lose seeing our children for who they are (or aren’t).

I don’t think anyone expects parents to shrug off missing school or academics; it’s our role to help them survive and thrive in this world. But you need to stop making a project of your daughter. Instead sit back, do some listening, get her trust back and make a new plan that centers listening, understanding and cooperative problem-solving.

First, let’s immediately stop the reaction on your end. We have a clear dynamic (she worries, you lecture), and you are the one who must stop it. Next, you need to shift into listening mode. Your daughter is a junior, not a little girl, so take her out for her favorite meal, coffee, treat and call it like you see it. “We are in a rough patch, and we can do something about this together. Anxiety is real, and I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of talking at you. It’s time for me to shut up and listen to your experience of what’s happening.”

If your daughter trusts you, she may open up. If she does, keep your mouth shut and listen. She is undoubtedly struggling, and by simply listening – without commentary – you are carrying out a profound act of compassion and love. Resist the urge to problem solve, finish your coffee and say: “I’m glad I know this; I really need to listen more. Let’s do this again. In the meantime, let’s go in late tomorrow.” Yes, just choose that now, and see what happens when you, the parent, change the dynamic.

It’s clear your intentions are to fully support your daughter. You’ve tried to set her up with medication and counseling, but now we have to take another tack. Please don’t blame yourself in the present with how you held boundaries in the past; it won’t serve you or your children. Instead, see the dynamics that aren’t working and ask, “why?” and “what’s next?”

I cannot stress enough how relevant it is that your sensitive daughter has lived through (and is still living through) the covid pandemic. Even if her school wasn’t completely shut down, most young teens lost dozens of opportunities to connect. Many children have kept on trucking, but for some of our orchid children, the losses have truly set them back. The rates of anxiety have spiked and for those who began the pandemic with anxiety, it’s worsened. And anxiety, unlike a specific worry, is allergic to immediate problem-solving. It’s why your logic, begging, cajoling, pointing out adulting and shaming her into caring won’t work; in fact, it makes the anxiety worse.

I know you’re afraid for her future, but you must parent the child in front of you. Her homework and her attendance come second to her mental health, so we need to clean the slate and establish a new relationship with her. This isn’t on your timeline, so please seek out parenting support. Parenting an anxious child is tiresome, worrisome and a long haul, but your daughter can and will thrive.