Miss Manners: Tired of hosting for free

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young adult who bought a home in one of the highest-cost resort areas of the country – a purchase that strains me financially, but is well worth it.

While I love my friends and family, I have been astounded by the number of people who came out of the woodwork, asking to come visit, when they learned where I lived. It’s been everyone from distant college acquaintances to cousins who rarely spoke to me before. I have lived all over the country, and no one bothered to visit when I lived in Nebraska or Kansas.

Shortly after buying my home, it felt like I was being taken advantage of, and that my location was the reason to visit, not spending time with me. I quickly learned to set personal boundaries so my place did not turn into a bunkhouse. But some time has passed, and I am in a better situation to host on occasion.

Still, it is financially burdensome to do so; I would drown if I allowed each friend to visit even once a season. Many friends have asked, and it adds up: My utilities would be unmanageable in this high-cost area. Though it may be awful, I would be more inclined to host if folks offered to chip in for utilities and food, since I would be saving them at least $300 a night for a hotel. But this may seem like I am treating my friends as short-term renters.

I am considering allowing a few friends to stay over for one weekend each, but worry that this will open the floodgates and irritate other friends. I also do not have the interest or the energy to host every weekend.

Is it rude to ask guests to chip in? Thoughts on where to draw the line?

GENTLE READER: Here is a novel idea: You only entertain guests whom you have decided to invite. Repeat after Miss Manners: “It’s my house, and I’m the only person authorized to do the inviting.”

And you may add “… if and when I feel like it.”

Of course, that is never what you should tell others. Rather, people who try to usurp this privilege should be told, in a tone of regret, “Sorry, I’m not doing much entertaining now” (which you will not be, once you unload the self-inviters who were not interested in visiting you elsewhere).

Turning your house into an unauthorized resort is not a solution. If costs are still too much, you can say to your invitees, “I’d love to have you stay, but I can’t offer meals,” and hope that they have the grace to take you out instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am invited to a wedding where the invitation came with a color palette of what to wear.

Is this a new trend? Seems a bit demanding. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That they are demanding that guests act as extras at their extravaganza – costumed to serve as background scenery.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.