Miss Manners: Don’t ask friends for donations

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I set up a charity a few years ago to provide cultural activities for disadvantaged children. We are both retired and see this as an opportunity to give back.

The charity has grown quickly, and my husband is now keen to start sending our friends fundraising letters, asking for donations.

Our friends know we run a charity and we frequently discuss our work. I am reluctant to ask for money; a number of our friends have donated without being asked.

My husband keeps pressing me to send them letters. It feels rude to me. Any advice?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Don’t.

Many people share your husband’s belief that a good cause excuses bad manners. It does not.

It is indeed a common fundraising technique to work the embarrassment that people might feel when refusing friends and colleagues, among whom they live and work (and who are likely familiar with their financial capabilities).

But at what cost, socially? Even generous philanthropists do not enjoy social pressure. And at what cost, financially? Those who contribute only as a favor to you, rather than from genuine interest, might then reasonably expect you to contribute equally to their favorite charities.

Your friends are aware that you are running a worthy organization, and some of them have been moved to contribute to it. Your example and your enthusiasm are effective ways of calling attention to it without the risk of causing discomfort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young woman I’m related to became engaged this year, and the couple moved to another state. I was told that they were going to be married at city hall in their current hometown, with just their parents in attendance, and later have a big party for friends and relatives back in our home state. While disappointed not to see them wed, I understood their decision and looked forward to celebrating at a later date.

Their plans kept changing (the bride was under a bit of pressure from her future mother-in-law), and the wedding was eventually held at a larger venue with 50 guests from both sides of the family, many of whom traveled to be there.

While I’m still accepting of their personal plans to have whatever wedding they want, I can’t help but feel a little snubbed, and am no longer interested in attending a party next year that I now consider a money grab from the “B List.”

Am I being overly sensitive? Should I find a way to graciously decline?

GENTLE READER: Declining graciously is easy. You need only thank them for the invitation, express regret that you cannot attend, and wish them well.

You do not even have to explain to Miss Manners why you feel insulted, although she is puzzled. It seems to her that the bride was placating her mother-in-law by having a small wedding, while keeping the plan for the larger party that she wants.

So if you are the bride’s cousin, you were not insulted. If you are her mother, you were.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.