Miss Manners: One more way technology makes communication harder

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not being naturally good at conversation, I’ve learned to look for specific cues that an exchange has been going on too long or that I need to move on. An obvious cue is when someone looks at their watch.

However, many people in my life now wear smartwatches, which alert them if they have a new text or email. Consequently, people are constantly glancing at their watches to triage incoming messages. This happens during both formal and informal conversations, at work and when chatting with friends.

Each time, the gesture kicks me into “It’s time to wrap this up” mode, even if our business isn’t finished. It makes it really hard to know if someone is paying attention, or if I’m better off going around the corner and texting them instead.

Generally, I won’t talk with someone who is looking at their phone, and I think putting your phone away during meetings is a pretty common ground rule. Is it reasonable to apply the same rule to smartwatches?

GENTLE READER: It is reasonable, but that does not mean it is often done.

Miss Manners is not suggesting you change your behavior; she is merely warning you of a subtle shift in perception.

In the past, a person who looked at their watch was likely aware, at least partially, of being rude, and may have been sheepish when they realized it had caused you to wrap up. The person who looks up from their phone – or their smartwatch – will be only dimly aware that anything has changed in the real world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague has lost his father. It was not unexpected, but of course is sad.

Our firm has two offices, located about two hours’ driving time apart, and some staff also work remotely. This colleague’s supervisor is planning to circulate sympathy cards at each office.

Is this appropriate? To me, a death in the family is a solemn time, and asking co-workers to sign a card similar to a birthday or retirement card seems crass. And what about the remote workers?

I would prefer to send an individual card. I should also note that the firm will often send flowers or a charitable donation when the obituary provides details for the service.

GENTLE READER: One would think that companies that talk so incessantly about how much they care for their employees would take a passing interest at this traumatic moment in their lives. Or not.

The supervisor should send a handwritten letter expressing his and the firm’s condolences. But Miss Manners would settle for flowers and a signed note – please, without the store-bought card. This represents the company.

Individuals who are close to the grieving employee should then express their condolences as individuals – as you are doing. As to the group card, Miss Manners understands that it saves everyone time – but really, how much comfort is there in something that no one bothered much with?

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.