Miss Manners: Tactfully ‘breaking up’ with friends

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always made friends easily, even throughout moving several times for my husband’s career. I’m so thankful for that. Some have become lifelong friends, and some were just close during similar ages/stages of raising our children. This is all fine and expected in life!

But what about the friends I just don’t enjoy spending time with after getting to know them better over time? What do I say, if anything? How mannerly is it to be honest?

I want to end these friendships for their sakes, too! I’d be so embarrassed and hurt to learn someone doesn’t enjoy being with me, but felt obligated. I know I can decline and say I’m busy, but we all make time for what we want to make time for.

To be clear, there’s no toxic behavior; they’re nice, good people overall. Maybe our personalities just aren’t a great fit or we don’t have much in common. Life is busy, and I’d like to spend my free time with those I enjoy being with.

GENTLE READER: Disappearing from a friendship without explanation is now known as ghosting, and is considered bad form. It leaves the deserted person floundering, not sure what is happening or why.

So the standard recommendation is: Just be honest.

But that is even more painful. Losing a friend is bound to hurt, but Miss Manners cannot condone doing it with an insult. And telling people that you don’t enjoy their company, however true, is insulting. Saying you have nothing in common implies that they lack interest. Declaring your personalities a “bad fit” means that you dislike theirs.

Hence the euphemism of being busy. Life is busy, as you say, so the excuse is initially plausible; but eventually, as you also point out, there is the realization that people make time for what they really want.

Miss Manners admits that this is not an ideal solution, just slightly better than the alternatives. But then, breaking off a friendship is not an ideal situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have friends of 20+ years who have what I consider a bad habit: When they come over for dinner, they take home anything of theirs that remains after the meal: any wine left in the bottle, for example. Most recently, they took home the remaining premium ice cream and locally made hot fudge.

Am I wrong to think this behavior is rude?

GENTLE READER: It depends on what you mean in describing what is “theirs.” Miss Manners presumes this does not involve voluntary presents they brought, but contributions to the meal that you approved, or even solicited.

Opinions are divided about whether the leftovers should remain with the hosts or return with the donors. Miss Manners has been told that this has led to resentful feelings, as in your case, and sometimes ugly scenes.

And this is among friends, who have just spent a convivial evening together.

She is not going to take sides in this unseemly altercation. If it makes you feel better, you should accept the pattern and take home your own leftover contributions when visiting these friends.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.