Miss Manners: Sleepy surgeon spoils symphony for seatmate

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a surgeon who loves the symphony. Unfortunately, I work long hours, sometimes showing up after working 32 hours straight.

I recently went to the symphony … and kept falling asleep. At intermission, the woman next to me said, “How dare you come to the symphony and just fall asleep! That is so rude!”

Well, she definitely had a point, and I really felt bad about diminishing her enjoyment of the program. So I apologized profusely and added, “I’m sorry, I obviously need to do something about my work/life balance.” And then I left – but she followed me all the way out to my car, yelling at me! Um, which one of us is being rude?

I think we both were – me for falling asleep and diminishing her pleasure in the music. I get that, but if I apologized and then left, is there not somewhere we could find peace?

GENTLE READER: The difference here is that you were not trying to be rude, and when it was called to your attention, you found a solution. Your seat companion was deliberately being rude and ignoring your solution.

Miss Manners hopes this helps you rest a little easier. You clearly cannot afford to lose any more sleep.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my boyfriend, “Eli,” for four years. We fell in love during the pandemic and have pulled through many difficult situations together, strengthening our bond.

Eli is about to get full custody of his 8-year-old daughter, “Cat.” It’s a very overwhelming process, but so far, but we are coming together to support each other at each hurdle.

Here’s the caveat: I have only been around Cat a handful of times. While I care about her because she is my love’s daughter, I don’t feel a connection with her at all.

I have connected with my former partners’ children through the years, and with other children, but it’s not always a given for me. My whole life, I have either felt connected to a child right away or not at all.

Eli told me it’s possible that soon, Cat will be living with us five days a week, only spending weekends with her grandmother. I am feeling scared about losing my boyfriend because of my lack of connection with Cat.

What do I do? Stay and try to have a future with him and his daughter? Take a chance that it might work? Or do we break up sooner rather than later?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners appreciates your myopic self-knowledge, she would offer that sometimes it takes more than a “handful of times” spent with someone to develop love. Presumably this was the case with your romantic partner – and the bond seems to only have gotten stronger with you two over time.

But if the gamble of loving the child is not worth it to you, by all means break up with her father now. Please know, however, that there will never be hope for a future with him if you tell him the reason why.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.