Miss Manners: Newly widowed exes want to reunite

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering what the appropriate mourning period would be for ex-college sweethearts who are now in their 80s.

The man’s wife died a few weeks ago after a four-year battle with dementia. During that time, his widowed neighbor and former fiancee (from more than 40 years ago) supported the couple with frequent meals and visits.

The surviving husband and widowed neighbor would enjoy going out for meals and activities, but feel uncomfortable doing so. What is the appropriate mourning period? Is that old-fashioned? Every day is fleeting when you are in your 80s.

GENTLE READER: Surely your friend and the lady have reached what used to be called the Age of Discretion. Can they not enjoy their rekindling romance – as Miss Manners understands it to be – discreetly for a while? As friends, but not as a publicly acknowledged couple?

To present themselves as a couple within a few weeks of his wife’s death might be hurtful to those freshly mourning her – his children and grandchildren, if he has them, and his late wife’s friends.

But surely no one should begrudge him the comfort of companionship with an old friend who was supportive of the family. If that is all it is, you need hardly have asked. In any case, it will take only a few months before well-wishers start thinking that they are dolts not to realize how very warm and comforting that friendship is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple with whom my wife and I occasionally socialize told us about their planned vacation to, among other places, the Gettysburg battlefield. I am a Civil War enthusiast and I have three or four books related to the battle, which I offered to loan them to peruse before their trip.

They accepted, and returned the books to my wife after they got back. When I examined the books, I realized that they hadn’t returned one of them. Later, my wife mentioned it to the other wife, but she insisted all were returned.

A few months later, we were at their house for dinner and I noticed the missing book on their shelf. I said nothing, and never raised the issue with the other couple again.

Was that the proper thing to do, or was I too timid? I really liked that book!

GENTLE READER: Presumably, you also liked that couple, as you still socialized with them. Could you not have given them the benefit of the doubt?

Miss Manners agrees that you chose a tactful way to spare them the embarrassment of being caught as thieves. But you don’t seriously think that they intended to steal your book, do you?

Presuming them innocent, you could have said, “The lost book! It got filed by mistake. I’m so glad I found it. I hope you enjoyed it.”

Yes, they would have had some momentary embarrassment while apologizing, but it would be clear that you didn’t think they kept it on purpose. And you would have had your book back.

Miss Manners advises you to invest in bookplates.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.