Miss Manners: Boyfriend mad about lack of thanks

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need an objective opinion about a disagreement my boyfriend and I are having. For Christmas, my boyfriend sent each of my kids (ages 14 and 11) a book as a gift. When we received them in the mail, I thanked him and praised him for his thoughtfulness.

Then, out of the blue, when he was visiting our home, he pulled me aside and said the kids needed to thank him for the books. Something bothered me about being put on the spot like that, but I knew it was true that they should thank him. So when he stepped out, I instructed my kids to tell him “thank you.”

Upon his return, my son obliged, but my daughter had gotten preoccupied with another activity and forgot.

A few days later, when we were on the phone, he said, “Your daughter still hasn’t thanked me,” which I found to be kind of obnoxious at that point, although I held my tongue.

He went on to say he was appalled at her rudeness and would no longer be giving her gifts, to which I replied, “Fine – if you’re going to be this way about it, please don’t.” He is now not speaking to me. Was I wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Yes. And your daughter was, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like almost everyone in my boxing workout class, I’m a senior. One day, for the first time, the talented, friendly, very positive coach wore a body camera. When asked why, he said he was videoing himself.

Everyone threw their punches, he removed the bodycam, and class continued as usual. After class, I mentioned to a classmate that I hoped he wasn’t filming us. She replied, “No, he would have to ask our permission first.”

Asking him about it later over email, he admitted he was filming the class as we went through our routine of throwing punches at him. When asked, he said he deleted images of me.

What was done violated the trust that everyone had with the coach – who is the director of a personalized fitness program and the director of an entire athletic facility in a small, caring community.

Should the coach tell the class members he filmed them and give them the opportunity to have the footage deleted? What, if anything, can be done to rebuild and maintain the trust that once was there?

What does it him that he lied?

GENTLE READER: In these days of constant and ubiquitous media documentation, few of the perpetrators seem to feel any shame. Rather it is a shock that anyone would not want to live their lives on camera.

Therefore, Miss Manners is afraid you must resort to threats. Tell the coach that the class, like you, deserves the opportunity to know the truth – and to have their images deleted from the video. If he will not confess, then he must promise to delete it all in front of you – and absolutely from any social media accounts – or you will tattle.

Yes, this is an ultimatum, but maybe it will teach him to think further before deceiving his classes – and risking his livelihood and reputation.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.