Miss Manners: Should present-snoopers forfeit the gifts they find?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if you can suggest the proper way to deal with “present snoopers.”

I caught my wife red-handed holding a Christmas gift I had purchased for her. I had specifically told her where it was hidden so she would not happen by it accidentally, but apparently I misplaced my trust in her.

I did not think I was out of line when I told her I’d be returning the gift, but she became enraged. She got very personal and vulgar, to say the least. I don’t need to repeat any of it because I have no question regarding how inappropriate her reaction was.

My question is: Is it wrong to return a gift after it’s been (intentionally) discovered? What is the proper “snoop apprehension” etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Whew. Miss Manners is relieved not to be asked what to do about that vulgarity. As you are apparently not considering returning your wife to wherever you found her, she will focus only on what to do with the gift.

A milder, and perhaps more acceptable, solution would be to allow her to keep the present once she has found it, and therefore have nothing to open on Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received, from my financial adviser, an insulated coffee mug bearing his company logo, along with a holiday greeting card. I have had a close and friendly business relationship with this gentleman for many years.

I did not intend to reciprocate the card exchange, nor send thanks for the gift. But then I wondered if he is due a note of thanks both for the gift and for the years of excellent service.

Thankfully, he does not send birthday greetings, as do my dentist and insurance agent.

GENTLE READER: Loath as she is to discourage reciprocity and thankfulness, Miss Manners agrees that what you received is advertising, not an endearingly thought-out present worthy of a burst of gratitude.

However, she does believe in thanking people for providing excellent service. If you are afraid of attracting more logo-covered items, you can do this at the year’s end without mentioning Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother raised me to send a thank-you note when I received a gift. I am a new business owner and I have sent out holiday gifts to my 65 clients.

Since then, my inbox has been filling up with thank-you emails from the recipients. This would have horrified my mother, who insists on handwritten notes, but I actually was delighted and touched that my clients appreciated my gift.

Do I respond to the thank-you emails? If they were handwritten notes, I don’t think I would be expected to write back. However, as a client-focused business owner, it feels strange to leave the emails read without a response. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: OK, Miss Manners just said that thanks for business gifts were voluntary. She is glad you enjoyed receiving them, but please do not quibble about the informal method used. And you would only confuse them by thanking them for their thanks.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.