Commentary: The confused fan’s guide to the many changes for the 2024 season

Hello, and welcome to my news conference to preview the 2024 college football season. With so much radical change occurring at once, I figured some of you could use a primer on everything from realignment to the bigger College Football Playoff to new coaches at Alabama and Michigan, and more.

To ask the questions, I’ve assembled a room full of college football fans who fell asleep somewhere around the end of 2019 and woke up at some point this weekend.

• Stewart Mandel: taps mic. Fire away.

Texas fan: Sorry, did you just say there’s been more realignment? Did we end up forming the Pac-16 after all?

Mandel: No, my friend, you guys are in the SEC now. By the way, so is Oklahoma.

Texas A&M fan: What? You’ve got to be kidding me. … But hey, I’m sure our multinational championship hero Jimbo Fisher will kick Bevo’s tail.

Mandel: About that. You guys paid $75 million to fire him last year. But hey, you’ve got Mike Elko back. He was at Duke the last couple of years. He beat Clemson 28-7.

Clemson fan: We lost by three touchdowns to Duke? Does that mean Nick Saban retired and Dabo Swinney left for Alabama?

Mandel: Saban did retire, but no, Dabo’s still at Clemson. Like you guys, he’s still catching up on that whole transfer portal thing. Alabama hired Kalen DeBoer.

The entire room: Who?

Mandel: He took Washington to the national title game last year.

Utah fan: Hey, at least we got him out of the Pac-12.

Mandel: Oh boy. I figured this would come up at some point. Guys, you’re not going to believe this, but the Pac-12 broke up. The Power Five is the Power Four. Remember how badly Larry Scott botched the Pac-12 Network? Well, they somehow managed to replace him with an even worse negotiator.

USC fan: I knew it! I knew the day would come that our mighty Trojans would go independent.

Mandel: Actually, you guys and UCLA went to the Big Ten. You have conference games at Minnesota and Maryland this year and a Friday night home game against Rutgers.

Oregon fan: A-ha! Then we’re the Kings of the West Coast now. Let the Ducks quack.

Mandel: Nope, you and the Huskies are in the Big Ten, too. But you’re getting half the money as the rest of them. The Big Ten is an 18-team conference now and with no divisions. Say a prayer for the tiebreakers. Utah, Colorado, Arizona and Arizona State went to the Big 12.

Cal fan: You neglected to mention my beloved Bears and Stanford, which surely got invited to the Big Ten as well.

Mandel: No, you’re in the ACC.

Stanford fan: That’s a joke, right? All the teams in that conference are in the Eastern time zone.

Mandel: Well, there’s one central one now, too. SMU.

SMU fan: What? That’s amazing! Next you’re going to tell me it’s legal to buy a kid a Trans-Am.

Mandel: Yes, it is. That’s a different story, though.

Oregon State fan: Excuse me, but I did not hear our name called. Or Washington State‘s.

Mandel: You guys are still in the Pac-12. You guys are the only two left. You’re going to keep wearing the logo patches, but you will play half your games against the Mountain West for the next two years.

Boise State fan: That’s weird. Are they playing for the Pac-12 championship or the Mountain West championship?

Mandel: Neither. They’re basically an independent. Which of course means they’re ineligible for one of the College Football Playoff’s automatic berths.

Notre Dame fan: Automatic berths? Are you telling me you have to win a conference now to make the playoff? Notre Dame has never, ever played in a conference.

Mandel: Actually, you did play in a season in the ACC in 2020. … Oh right, you slept through 2020. Lucky you. But thanks for reminding me. I buried the lede! Guys, the CFP is 12 teams now! Not four, not six, not eight. Twelve! Can you believe it?

Alabama fan: Who cares? We’re still gonna win the thing every year.

Mandel: Actually, Michigan beat you in the semis last year.

Ohio State fan: Yeah, because they cheated!

Mandel: Take it easy, guy. Your team hasn’t beaten them since you were last awake.

The entire room: What?

Mandel: Back to the playoff. It’s 12 teams. The top four conference champions get an automatic bid and a first-round bye. Everyone else plays a first-round game the third week of December. Any questions?

Tulane fan: You said “top four” conference champs, but before you said there are only four power conferences now. Are you saying there’s a fifth automatic berth?

Mandel: Yes! The highest-ranked Group of Five team gets in automatically as well.

UCF fan: Oh, now they’re doing that?

Mandel: Hey, you guys are in the Big 12 now. Win it and you’re in. No need for fake banners.

Michigan fan: Speaking of banners, I heard we finally won one last year. I assume we gave our honorable Michigan Man, Jim Harbaugh, a big new contract?

Mandel: No, he’s back in the NFL now. Which is probably for the best. It turned out he’s not big on the whole “following the rules” thing, so the NCAA kicked him out of college until 2072. But don’t worry. You guys promoted Sherrone Moore.

The entire room: Who?

Mandel: Guys, focus. Big, big playoff. I have a lot to fill you in on: The first-round games will be at home stadiums on Dec. 20 and 21. How cool is that? No. 5 will host No. 12, No. 6 will host No. 11, and so on.

Florida State fan: Oh! So if, hypothetically, my team went 13-0 and somehow finished No. 5, we’d get to play Liberty at Doak Campbell?

Mandel: Ah … well, here’s where it gets confusing, so listen carefully. The top-four seeds aren’t necessarily the teams ranked No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4 by the committee. They’re the four highest-ranked conference champs. So, let’s say Oklahoma State wins the Big 12, but is 10-3 and ranked No. 12. They’d still be the No. 4 seed.

Georgia fan: So if, hypothetically, my team was 12-0 going into the SEC championship game but lost … we’d be the ones that turn around and play Liberty two weeks later, while Oklahoma State gets to rest for a month?

Mandel: Exactly! Makes total sense, right?

Oklahoma State fan: Hey, that’s awesome for us. When would our home game be?

Mandel: You don’t get one. You’ll advance straight to the quarterfinals, which will be played at traditional New Year’s Six bowls, on Dec. 31 (Fiesta) and Jan. 1 (Peach, Rose, Sugar).

Penn State fan: Question. If we win the Big Ten, do we still get to go to the Rose Bowl?

Mandel: Ha! Penn State wins the Big Ten. Good one. But yes, when possible, the committee will place those top-four seeds using the traditional conference-bowl tie-ins. If the SEC champ finishes No. 1, it goes to the Sugar Bowl, Big Ten to the Rose, etc.

Miami fan: Ah, so if we win the ACC, we get to stay home for the Orange Bowl.

Mandel: Ha! Miami wins the ACC. Good one. Not this year, because the Orange and Cotton bowls are hosting the two semifinals.

Oklahoma fan: Awesome! We love spending New Year’s in South Florida.

Mandel: No, the quarterfinals are on New Year’s, remember? The semifinals are on Jan. 9 and 10.

ESPN executive: Are you telling me we get one semifinal on Saturday, one on Sunday? Let me go ahead and make a deposit on that yacht, now.

Mandel: No, no. Weekends are for the NFL, silly. Two of the biggest sporting events of the year will be played on a random Thursday and Friday night after everyone’s back at work and school.

LSU fan: So when’s the championship? As you know, we have completely realistic expectations that our team will win the national championship every single year.

Mandel: The same Monday night slot as usual, just two weeks later, on Jan. 20. Which happens to be both Martin Luther King Day and Inauguration Day, too.

Northwestern fan: Well, this has been absolutely dizzying. Anything else unusual?

Stewart: You mean, besides the fact you guys are playing your home games at a 15,000-seat lakeside lacrosse field with temporary grandstands? Yes, I can think of a few:

Kansas fan: It really can’t get any crazier than that, huh?

Mandel: Oh, yes it can. You guys are good now.