Miss Manners: Bride should err on the side of inclusion

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am marrying a lovely man after three years of dating. He has one sister and one brother. I have two sisters. All of our our siblings will be in the wedding party.

However, my fiance’s brother, Max, has a long-term girlfriend named Jenna. The two have been dating since high school and are coming up on 10 years together.

Jenna is very smart, funny and driven. We usually get along very well. I consider her a part of my fiance’s family, and I would like to include her in the wedding party.

However, my fiance and my mother have concerns about this. My fiance is not on board with the idea because Jenna was not very supportive after our engagement. She has never congratulated us and falls silent whenever we talk about wedding plans.

I believe this is because she and Max have been dating for so long and she is somewhat bothered by our getting married before them. I don’t blame her. She didn’t handle it very nicely but excluding her from the wedding party surely won’t spark any warm feelings between us.

I think adding her to the wedding party would make her feel more included and might bring us closer together. My mother does not like the idea because she thinks it is inappropriate to include someone who has not “married into” the family.

GENTLE READER: Would you rather the footnote to your wedding be a generous gesture of inclusion, or petty retribution because someone did not demonstrate sufficient enthusiasm? Miss Manners would not have thought this was a difficult question.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate knowing your perspective on the ubiquity of online donation requests following a death.

These opportunists are rarely the directly bereaved, but rather an ostensibly well-meaning friend or relative asking on their behalf. One fundraiser was set with a goal of $20,000 for the bereaved widow. The platform displays an “honor roll” of who has given what amount; it appears that donors are able to remain anonymous (although most choose not to), while their donation amounts are still displayed.

It seems a bit insulting to both the departed and the bereaved, publicly implying that the departed failed to prepare for this eventuality and irresponsibly left their loved ones destitute.

I am a generous person and have donated my funds and/or time to many causes, often substantially. But this money grab, often mere hours after a death, feels very tacky. In these cases, I opt not to give via the public platform, but instead send my condolences. On occasion, when a need was evident, I have sent a private donation directly to the primary bereaved individual.

I am satisfied with this approach. But what say you about the use of these online platforms?

GENTLE READER: Putting aside legality, ethics and tastefulness – which seems to be the common practice, Miss Manners has noticed – the etiquette question is: When may someone else make such a request on behalf of the principal mourners?

She is forced to conclude that this must not be done during what must already be a time of enormous suffering. In a perfect world, that would put an end to the practice.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.