Dear Kiantha: Childhood trauma doesn’t define the adult you’ve become

Dear Kiantha,

I grew up living in poverty here in Spokane. My family was not like most families. My grandmother lived in the house with us and the adults in my home were all alcoholics. My siblings and I were severely abused. It has been hard for us as adults to see ourselves as more than what we have been through. We are all hardworking people and take care of our families more than we were ever taken care of. What, if anything, can we do to see ourselves as more than the poor kids from the dysfunctional family?

Dear Friend,

I’ll start out by sharing with you and your siblings a secret in hopes that it will help you all reframe your life’s narrative a bit. There is no “most families.” Nope, it doesn’t exist.

There is no model family, no common experience and no perfect upbringing. The moment we understand this, it frees us from feeling like we did not have access to the “normal” familial experience. All of our upbringings are normal, even those filled with disfunction.

If I had a magic wand the first thing that I would take away from our human experience is childhood trauma. For so many people like yourself and your siblings, the effects of childhood trauma linger in your psyche. Trauma can make it difficult for you to see yourself as more than the adverse things you have experienced. You all are so much more than the poor kids from the dysfunctional family in the poor neighborhood. You are the adults who thrived in spite of poverty, abuse and dysfunction.

Yes, it is true, a fraction of who you are is based on who you were and how you were socialized. However, you and your siblings are also survivors, you are hard workers, and you have successfully overcome your hardships and dysfunctional experiences in ways that have allowed you to show up well for your own children.

I invite you and your siblings to consider shifting the order in which you see your lives. Instead of zooming in on your childhood and all of the negative things associated with it, zoom in on your now. Focus on who you all are in your current life and allow your present and future to take center stage.

You have already made it through the hardest part.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha