Miss Manners: How to respond to a surrogacy birth announcement

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a text and pictures from a work friend (who I keep in touch with during my retirement) about her daughter, who had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl.

I was surprised, because my friend had not mentioned anything, and was just preparing my “congratulations” and some happy thoughts on her being a first-time grandmother, when she further mentioned that this was a surrogacy, and that her daughter was giving birth for another couple.

While I think this is a beautiful and selfless act on the part of her daughter, I was flummoxed as to my response to this new information. Congratulations seemed somehow odd, but my “Wow, I had no idea. How is she doing?” and “Tell her hello for me” may also have missed the mark. What would Miss Manners do?

GENTLE READER: Quote you. “What a beautiful and selfless act. I hope your daughter is doing well.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a 5-star establishment. On a particular day, a customer became flatulent, which caused us both to be embarrassed. Nobody else was around.

We had a good rapport prior to this, and when this happened, I said “Oops!” (partly due to surprise and embarrassment). The customer just shrugged his shoulders. I then said, “If that had been me, I would say ‘excuse me.’”

The customer then said, “Sorry, didn’t mean to ruin your day.” I assured him he hadn’t, at which point his friends showed up, and one said to him, “What did you do NOW?” They all left.

What should I have done? How should I have handled this? What would YOU have done?

GENTLE READER: Ignored it. You see, Miss Manners also considers herself a 5-star establishment, and it is largely because unless specifically solicited, she does not chastise people in public for their unintended noises. The inadvertent “Oops!” was quite enough.

Schooling the gentleman on how he could have handled it better was embarrassing and unnecessary. Even if he is used to that kind of behavior from his friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When giving a gift certificate, is it acceptable to gift an amount that will cover only part of an expense?

For example, after the birth of my son, I gifted the obstetrician who delivered him a gift certificate to be used at a local eatery. The establishment is on the fancier side, and though our gift was substantial, it was likely not enough to cover a glass of wine, appetizer, dinner and dessert for the doctor and his partner.

After giving the certificate (along with a handwritten, sincere thank-you note), I second-guessed my gift, knowing he’d have to kick in some of his own money to cover the meal.

GENTLE READER: How much easier it would be to give a present that does not have a price attached, and that does not force its recipient to spend extra on something that may not otherwise have been wanted.

Miss Manners suggests that instead, you give a gift basket, a good bottle of wine or another small luxury item that does not require paying the balance – or ponying up a costly tip.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.