Miss Manners: Pay no attention to the woman in her housedress
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I live in a retirement community that takes good care of us, in part by putting little levers near the tops of our apartment doors that our security personnel flip up at night. It is our responsibility to open the door when we arise, which allows the latches to flip down, indicating that we’re up and probably not in trouble.
Our etiquette problem comes up when my friends and I for a walk for fellowship and exercise. We normally walk outside, but when the weather’s bad, we walk inside, up and down the halls. This is common in our community, and it is generally accepted.
But because we walk fairly early, sometimes we are walking past someone’s front door as they open it, briefly, just to let the latch fall. Sometimes they are completely dressed, and sometimes they are in their dressing gowns.
Should we greet the person in this situation (“Good morning!” without pausing) or just keep walking, looking straight ahead?
GENTLE READER: Perhaps, as this is a retirement establishment, Miss Manners can invoke the Newspaper-on-the-Porch rule without being its meaning. How would a newspaper land on the porch unless you left your laptop there and it wasn’t stolen?
The meaning is that a brief moment of visibility, even when not dressed for public view, should be politely ignored. The idea was that one should not have to make oneself “presentable” for such a quick foray. (Whoops, there is another concept that might be foreign to many – that you should look presentable when in public.)
This required both sides to maintain the fiction that the person on the porch had not been observed. This would be harder to do in the proximity of a hallway.
So, if you can go by without eye contact, do so. Otherwise, a quick hello, and keep moving.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been friends with a couple for about 30 years. We have watched their children grow to be lovely young ladies, as they have watched ours grow to be adults. We are close with the couple but not so much with their children.
In 2021, during COVID, their youngest daughter got married in a small private ceremony in their backyard. Only about 15 people were in attendance. Because we are close to our friends, we gave their daughter and her new husband a monetary wedding gift even though we weren’t invited to their wedding. The daughter and her new husband did not acknowledge it.
Fast-forward to the present day: We are invited to a celebration of their wedding. My question is, do we give another gift?
GENTLE READER: This couple has been married for three years, and you already gave them a wedding present. Miss Manners is not aware of the need for a You’re Still Married present.
That said, perhaps you are so fond of the parents, and have such pleasant memories of the daughter as a child, that you want to do something extra. While there is no need to give a present, there is no ban against doing so.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.