Miss Manners: The lost art of presuming goodwill

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a large indoor/outdoor music festival. Many concertgoers understandably wear huge hats for shade at the outdoor stages. However, they often keep their hats on at the indoor sit-down stages, too.

At one show, someone at an indoor stage sat down directly in front of me and did not remove their huge hat. My view of the stage was completely blocked. There was no other seat in the house for me to move to.

Would it have been OK for me to tap them on the shoulder and politely ask them to remove their hat? My assumption is that it simply did not occur to them they were blocking someone’s view and would gladly have removed their hat if reminded.

GENTLE READER: Funny, that is exactly the way it is supposed to work: You presumed that the person was unaware that they were inconveniencing you, and you could have called this to their attention politely and quietly, without any hint of accusation – believing that they would be grateful to be told of an inadvertent transgression that could be easily corrected. It is called Presumption of Goodwill.

And it has practically disappeared from public behavior.

Miss Manners is sad to have to tell you that it would be far more common, nowadays, for the complaint to be worded as an insult, and the reaction to be a declaration of the offender’s right to offend. When everyone is spoiling for a fight, the result is an unpleasant public.

Miss Manners wishes you had risked making a polite request. You might have received a polite response – and you would have been able to see the stage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I just held a destination wedding in Europe. We’re quite international, so friends and family flew in from across the globe.

We had regularly communicated how to use our wedding website for the schedule and other information, which also had a very clear registry tab with cash funds and physical gifts. We prefaced the registry by saying, “Your presence is enough, but if you would like to provide a gift, below are some experiences and items we’d love.”

Of the 100 attending, perhaps only 20% contributed in any fashion. (Some invitees who could not attend contributed, too.)

My wife and I were shocked at how few guests gave a gift, as our outlook would be to never attend a wedding without providing a congratulatory gift. Even for a destination wedding, the symbolism of helping the couple start the next chapter seems appropriate to us.

Are we off base for expecting more?

GENTLE READER: Yes. You are expecting them not to believe that their presence – at a destination wedding – is enough, even though you told them it was.

Mind you, Miss Manners is not saying that travel expenses are sufficient payment for destination weddings. Rather, she is saying that it is unseemly to expect any payment from guests at any wedding. Your pretending that you do not expect anything, while declaring what you want to receive, is not fooling anyone.

As you made that statement about presence being enough, you should try to live up to it.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.