Dear Kiantha: Drop expectations when it comes to social media and friendships

Dear Kiantha,

Social media most of the time leaves me wanting a life that looks nothing like my own. Case in point: I always see people with their besties traveling and having what looks like a great time. Sharing, caring and in harmony with one another.

In my friendships, I seem to be the giver and they seem to be the takers. No matter how I try to change that dynamic, it happens over and over again. I want to be treated the way I treat them. I want my happy social media pictures.

Dear Friend,

Social media in many ways can be like the old room of smoke and mirrors, but we will get back to that in a moment. Let’s talk about the most important piece first, the desire to get what you give out of your friendships and relationships.

Believe it or not, this is something that I have struggled with in my own life. Having the expectation that people would treat me in the same way that I treat them. Example, if I am kind to you, you will in turn be kind to me. If I am respectful to you, you will in turn be respectful to me.

The way this has shown up in friendships for me is that I have walked into friendships with a spoken agreement that I expect nothing from you except for you to be honest and loyal to me in the same way that I am to you.

The problem is I messed up the moment I said, “I expect nothing from you except …” In truth, when we give of ourselves, we cannot expect anything in return. We must give freely or we will be consistently disappointed.

That is not to say that we take any kind of treatment from our friends, instead we become intentional about the type of people we spend our time with and call friend. We have to make sure they too define friendship in the same way and are worthy of the title.

Now back to the smoke and mirrors, I mean social media. Nearly nothing is as it seems on social media and that is the goal of the platforms. People get to be, live, look and express themselves however they desire and that is often nothing like their real lives.

For a small few, the selfie of them lying on the back of a boat with their bestie on vacation in the Maldives is likely real but what is not in the picture is the studio apartment they share awaiting them when they get home that affords them the opportunity to travel like rock stars.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To read this column in Spanish, visit www.spokesman.com. To submit a question, email DearKiantha@gmail.com.