Dear Annie: Jealousy within the home

Dear Annie: I have been with my partner for nearly three years. He is a loving, caring man. He came out of a 30-year marriage and is separated but not divorced yet, which is bothering me, even though I know he doesn’t want to go back to his ex.

Anyway, he has two kids living with him: his 23-year-old daughter and her boyfriend, who is 26, and his 22-year-old son and his girlfriend, who is 19. His son is lazy and doesn’t do anything. I’ve mentioned this to my partner many times, and he says, “Leave it to me, I’ll talk to him” but then never does. His daughter is nice and helpful, but she is too attached to her dad. They sit down and watch shows together while I am in the kitchen making dinner for everyone or doing my own stuff. If I say anything, he just says, “Why are you jealous?”

He says in a few years we should sell the house and get something smaller, but his daughter and her boyfriend want to come, too. I don’t know what to do. I love him, and he looks after me very well, but my jealousy of his relationship with his daughter is really getting to me. Am I in the wrong here? – Daughter Difficulty

Dear Daughter Difficulty: If anything, you should feel proud of the fact that your partner is so close with his children – not threatened. I would seek the help of a therapist to get the bottom of why you feel so envious of your partner’s daughter. Perhaps you feel you are not getting enough quality time with him one-on-one. Or maybe it brings up unresolved emotions that you have toward your own parents. Whatever it is, it’s important to identify why his relationship with his kids is such a trigger for you so that you can be the best partner and stepparent that you possibly can.

Dear Annie: My father-in-law has been living with us for the past two years, as he is in the process of buying a new house. The housing market has been tough, and it’s taken longer than expected. What was at first going to be a six-month stay has extended well beyond.

My father-in-law pays no expenses and instead continues to save money from two retirements. Is it wrong for us to have the conversation about helping with expenses now? The cost of everything has gone up, and it feels like a child staying with us. He is helpful with household chores and handyman work, but that doesn’t negate the expenses we are continuing to incur with a third person in our household. I am very frustrated at this point with the entire situation. Any advice would be most helpful. – FIL as Roommate

Dear FIL as Roommate: It’s your house. Of course it is within your rights to have a conversation with your father-in-law regarding his stay. I would ask him what his timeline is for finding a new place and explain to him that the cost of housing a third person is continuing to rise. It is perfectly reasonable and expected for him to contribute to the household in some capacity – whether it’s buying groceries, paying rent or taking on more household work.

Consult with your spouse before having this conversation to make sure you are both on the same page in terms of what you are asking for and how to best communicate with him.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.