Dear Annie: Tough decision alienated mother

Dear Annie: My mother gave up my half-sister at birth. I became close to my sister and her family beginning in my 30s when she found me. I’m almost 60 now. Her family was not fond of my mother, and my sister wanted to distance herself to follow her adoptive parents’ wishes.

Unfortunately, my sister passed away at a young age from cancer, as did her beloved father the year before. I helped plan her funeral with my brother-in-law. He and my sister’s brother, also adopted, mentioned their displeasure with my mother for some things she did and said at the hospital. I thought pushing the idea of finding birth parents at the hospital was very insensitive at the time as well. They were offended by her (she often lacks a filter).

I asked my mother to be cautious at the funeral so as not to offend them because they were in quite a sensitive state after the loss of their sister and wife. They also don’t have the same view of adoption as my mother does. My sister and her brother had recently lost both their parents, and her wishes were always to help her brother get through this loss.

My mother said how dare I mention it, that I’m a know-it-all and to have a nice life. I told her I was sorry to hurt her feelings but wanted things to be comfortable for the husband, brother and rest of the family who didn’t all know about my sister’s birth family.

My mother has not talked to me in eight months, nor has she shown interest in any holidays or my kids’ events. I think she should’ve understood the sticky situation at the services and come for a visit afterward, but there’s been no contact. Am I wrong? – Torn but Thinking I Did the Right Thing

Dear Torn: You did the right thing. In a sensitive situation, you acted as any good sibling would, trying to bring peace to those who were grieving and honoring your late sister. I am surprised your mother responded as she did, whether that be out of grief, anger, resentment or some other emotion.

It sounds like you’ve tried to smooth things over with her since the service with no reciprocation. Until she is willing to come around and acknowledge that her reaction was not appropriate, there’s not much more you can do besides keep the lines of communication open for if/when she is ready to reconnect.

Dear Annie: What’s the proper way to deal with people who talk too much? If I encounter someone like that professionally or socially, I politely listen and avoid that person as much as possible in the future. My mother-in-law is my dilemma. She is a lovely person but quite rude in this respect. I would chalk it up to maladies that frequently occur in old age, but my husband has informed me that she has always been this way.

I feel terrible that she is very isolated, possibly because of this unfortunate trait. I also would never want her or my husband to have hurt feelings because I avoid the monologue visits quite often. Is there any kind way to go about this, for her and us? – Loving but Weary Daughter-in-Law

Dear Weary Daughter-in-Law: Avoiding chatty strangers and co-workers is certainly easier than dodging your mother-in-law. She sounds lonely and, while she might be aware to an extent of her talkativeness, seems oblivious to the real annoyance it causes to those around her.

At the end of the day, she’s family, so indulge her – within reason. Be polite but remember it’s OK to shut down conversations early and often or redirect the conversation to something you’re more interested in discussing.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.