Dear Annie 10/8

Dear Annie: Over the past decade, I have given up on trying to have a relationship with my five siblings. I used to call every so often to catch up and send birthday cards to all of them and their children. My wife often asked me why none of them ever sent me a birthday card and usually failed to call me back after I left a message. That was when I realized that I was the only one trying and stopped calling or writing. No one called or wrote me a card. Even when I knew they were traveling in my area, none stopped by at my invitation. There was always an excuse of they are tired or ready to get home from the trip, etc.

Our 91-year-old mother, whom I called every day for more than 12 years, will pass one day, and I would rather not attend the funeral. I have always felt that funerals were to show support and respect to the survivors, and not the departed. I have no desire to be around my siblings. All my mother’s friends have already passed, so I won’t know most of the people there. I would rather celebrate my mother’s life by planting a tree, donating to her favorite charity and being alone in nature. Should I feel obligated to attend the funeral? – Loner in the South

Dear Loner in the South: I am so sorry that your efforts to bond with your siblings have not been reciprocated. Provided there has been no fight or falling out between you and them, I would try to give your brothers and sisters the benefit of the doubt. They probably are truly busy, which is not an excuse but simply an attempt to let go of some of the resentment you feel.

As for your mother’s funeral, I would think about how she would interpret your absence. Even if you believe funerals are for the living, you might regret your decision if you do not truly believe your mother is smiling down on that choice.

Dear Annie: With respect to your advice to “Eaten Alive,” whose mother-in-law has started making inappropriate and mean comments toward her, I think you missed several significant “clues” in her description of their troubled relationship.

First, based on the timeline she describes, it is reasonable to presume that she is in her 50s, making her in-laws, most likely, at least in their 70s. She also mentions that, as a nurse, she’s been assisting with their “medical needs and prescriptions,” again leading me to believe they’re seniors.

But the most telling “clue” was her comment that her mother-in-law “has started” making strange and hurtful comments to her. This sounds to me like it is new behavior, which, coupled with her age and the medications she takes, leads me to wonder if this is an as-yet undiagnosed age-related medical issue.

Unlike “Eaten Alive,” I’m not a nurse but a senior who’s actively dealing with changes happening to me, my friends and family members as a result of aging. The dramatic change in behavior she has described could very well be symptomatic of age-related mental deterioration. The paranoia about trying to get rid of her or take her money, the inappropriate comments about her appearance, etc. are very common symptoms of age-related mental illness, as well as possibly an indicator that she needs a review of her current medication interactions.

I understand it’s difficult not to initially take such comments personally, but I think she would be well-advised to step back and view the situation as an impartial medical professional and recommend her husband advise his mother’s physicians about these behavioral changes. They should request a complete checkup and review of her medications before jumping to the conclusion that this is just a conflict resulting from a rude and overbearing personality. – Concerned Senior

Dear Concerned Senior: Thank you for your letter. You were among many who wrote in with concern that this mother-in-law’s behavior could be an indicator of dementia, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s or another medical, neurological or psychiatric condition. “Eaten Alive” and her husband should certainly seek medical help on behalf of the mother-in-law to determine if such a condition is at play.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.