Dear Annie 11/17
Dear Annie: I lost my beloved father to suicide on Oct. 23, 1997, making me a suicide survivor, which means someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. My father was on his second bout of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, and he didn’t leave a note. Most do not. I was desperate for guidance after he died and found much assistance from the sites you recommended to one of your readers who was in a similar situation. The headline your column in our local paper was “Resources to Help.”
The letter was ABSOLUTELY correct in saying no one can cause another person to take his/her own life. That action lies solely with the person in pain. While initially I blamed myself as one of the reasons for his suicide, I learned rather quickly that burden was not mine to bear.
Besides the sites noted in the resources letter, I recommend to anyone who experiences a suicide loss to seek therapy quickly. I started with one-on-one counseling, and when my therapist thought I was ready, he helped me locate a grief support group AND a suicide survivors group. All of these resources were most helpful to me, and I still occasionally see a therapist when milestone anniversaries roll around. You NEVER get over a suicide death, but you DO learn effective ways to cope as time passes.
Besides the aforementioned websites, there were two books that gave me great insight as well as initial coping strategies: “My Son … My Son …” by Iris Bolton and “No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One” by Carla Fine.
On the anniversary of my father’s suicide, I went to the cemetery where my father is buried along with his best friend. We shared a Coors Light – his favorite – with Daddy by drinking ours and pouring his beer at the head of his grave. I KNOW Daddy would like that, as it reflects his sense of humor. – Better Now in Bama
Dear Better Now in Bama: I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I hope it brings others comfort knowing they are not alone.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.