Miss Manners 1/31

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am part of a long-established book club with many members belonging for 20 to 25 years. We have a sort of rotating moderator who sends out reminders and lists of books and keeps discussions on topic when they veer off too far into grandchildren and health issues.

The present moderator is especially good and skillful at communicating and gracefully keeping everyone on task. One member wants to reward her, and is collecting for a substantial monetary gift.

I am offended and appalled that we would offer money to a friend for doing a good job. I think a modest gift card from a bookstore, or better, a beautiful bouquet, would be much more appropriate (and not embarrassing). How could this awful, well-meaning gesture have been sidetracked?

GENTLE READER: In these crass times, Miss Manners is grateful to hear of someone who considers it insulting to pay social acquaintances for helping out. It downgrades acts of generosity to being paid services.

Yet gratitude should be shown. It is unfortunately common for such generosity to be taken for granted or dismissed as something the volunteer just likes to do.

So you are right to think of whitewashing the situation and laundering the money. A book or flowers, sure, but what about throwing a luncheon in her honor, with the members expressing their admiration? One of the most lasting presents possible is explicit appreciation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is standing up in my wedding. Can I dictate to her that I don’t want her to dye her hair bright purple or red? I am very conservative, and I would like that the pictures would reflect a certain decorum. Thank you for any help you can provide.

GENTLE READER: Sorry. Miss Manners can be of no help whatsoever with your desire to redecorate someone you supposedly cherish in the interest of falsifying her in your wedding pictures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor who purchases a table at a charity gala every year. She then “invites” my husband and me to pay for individual seats at her table, telling me that the tickets are tax-deductible. Yes, for her! She’s paying the amount for the full table and then we reimburse her.

I feel the invite is hollow and tacky, and don’t care to attend. My husband just laughs at her cheapness, and wishes to go. Which of us is correct?

GENTLE READER: You are both correct to keep your snickering to yourselves, and to attend or not as you choose.

Of course, charities will also sell individual tickets, even though the opportunity to buy is delivered in the form of an ersatz invitation. Miss Manners wonders if approaching the organization with a show of possible long-term interest might result in your being admitted to that category. You could cite your neighbor as having aroused your awareness and thank her for that if you are able to buy your tickets directly.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.