Miss Manners 1/19

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, a longtime friend sent me a private message through social media that just said, “Don had a massive heart attack and passed away.”

I instantly thought it was a mutual friend I had been close with for more than 20 years but with whom I’d been out of touch for a couple years due to my move to another country. I was so upset and in tears at the news, I had to leave work early that day.

When I got home, I frantically reached out to other mutual friends only to find out that “my” Don was alive and well. Come to find out, the friend who sent me the message was referring to her ex-husband, from whom she had been divorced for many years and who rarely came up in conversation.

Still recovering from my grief and shock, I posted that it is very important to clarify to whom you are referring when sharing bad news. I did not mention my friend, but she immediately “unfriended” me with a comment that I had “called her out” and embarrassed her, that she was struggling with her own grief and that I was selfish to post something like this “for attention.”

I emailed her numerous times and apologized if I had offended her. It has been almost three years, and I still reach out to her occasionally with an olive branch by email or phone. But there is no response; it seems she has decided my offense was unforgivable, and I am now grieving the end of a 20-year friendship over a social media post.

I don’t think I did anything horrible, given the circumstances, but what are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your original post was a public service, Miss Manners understands. She also understands why your friend did not see it that way. Nor, come to think of it, did you, since you felt called upon to make years’ worth of apologies.

The real question is: Was it so bad that you cannot be forgiven? Miss Manners is inclined to agree that your friend is overreacting – assuming, of course, that the apology was for the post and not merely for your friend being offended by it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend has the odd habit of bursting into not-so-quiet song while browsing through stores, sitting in restaurants or riding in the car. Her voice is OK, but it’s both awkward and distracting, especially when one simply wants to listen to ambient music in her presence without unsolicited harmonies. I don’t want to offend her, but find myself increasingly annoyed.

GENTLE READER: The best thing about singing is that it is not meant to be interrupted. You might pretend your friend said something you could not hear, and ask her to repeat it. Miss Manners trusts that the annoyance of having to stop to clear up your confusion will dampen her enthusiasm for another verse.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.