Dear Annie 12/24
Dear Annie: I’m writing to you because I need advice on my relationship with my older sister. I’m in my 50s, and she’s eight years older. She and her husband have no children. My husband and I have a son and daughter, both young adults. Our parents and brother have all passed, so it’s just the two of us now in our immediate family.
My dilemma is that my sister has started calling my mother-in-law and “chatting” with her. My family is often the topic of their conversations.
Unfortunately, many things that I have told my sister in confidence have been shared with my husband’s mom. And vice versa. I feel like I have lost two of my closest friends to each other.
I have asked my sister not to discuss me or my kids with my MIL, but she continues to do so. I ask her to just talk about her own life and not to share my news – but it’s to no avail. She has told her things I have asked her to keep between us. I’ll find out and she’ll say, “What’s the big deal?”
The big deal to me is that I feel like I can’t trust her anymore. We used to be able to talk about anything, and now I feel like I need to edit what I say to her. I have expressed this to her, and she acts like she understands. She will apologize, but within a week or two, she will do the same thing again. She doesn’t see that she’s crossing boundaries. Or maybe she doesn’t care. For example, I might discuss a health concern with her, but not my mother-in-law, because I don’t want to worry her. Well, you can see where this is heading! Trust is diminished across the board. What can I do? I really feel lost. – Frustrated Little Sister
Dear Frustrated Little Sister: Frustrating, indeed! If you have spelled it out for your sister as clearly as you spelled it out for me in this letter, she really should understand and act accordingly.
At the risk of sounding trite, talk is cheap. Until your sister proves through her actions that she is worthy of your trust, stop sharing details with her that you don’t want your MIL to know also. Perhaps your sister will then see the consequences of her actions and take steps to improve.
Dear Annie: Two years ago, I got involved with a man I work with. We love each other, but the problem is that he is the same age as my parents. We’ve kept our relationship quiet because we live in a very small community and know what people would say about us. He’s a wonderful, caring, funny guy and the only one I’ve ever really fallen for. I’m not thrilled about keeping this a secret, and I’m not sure what will happen when he’s old and I’m still young.
Marriage isn’t even on the table, and I can’t see us living together, at least not right now. Part of me says I should let him go and look for someone else, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll regret it. He really does make me happy. I don’t want either of us to get hurt, and the thought of losing him breaks my heart. I feel like I’m hitting a wall; we can’t go forward, but I don’t want to go back. What do you think? Should I throw this fish back in the pond or keep him and be grateful for what I have? – Reeling in This Romance
Dear Reeling: It’s long been said that age is just a number. You and your boyfriend clearly care for each other a great deal. I wouldn’t even call the age difference a “problem,” but simply what it is – something that differs between you two.
If your relationship is ultimately healthy, loving and fulfilling, I would encourage you not to set those limitations for yourselves. Worrying about what may or may not happen in the future only makes the present less enjoyable. Until you actually have a reason to worry or a problem to solve, I would treasure the connection you have with this man and relish the journey you are on together.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.