‘These things don’t grow on trees’: Some of the funniest quotes in sports history come from the world of baseball
Baseball, labor negotiations aside, is a funny game. Literally.
Baseball has provided a goodly number of the most hilarious quotes in sports history. We’ve put together a list of the 25 funniest baseball quotes of all time, give or take a dozen.
1. Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams, former major league and Spokane Indians pitcher, commenting on the large teeth of broadcast partner Sean Casey: “He can eat corn on the cob through a tennis racket.”
2. Mike Newman, New York Yankees executive, on the pressure of playing in New York City: “It’s full of people who stand in front of microwaves and yell, ‘Hurry!’ ”
3. Rocky Bridges, longtime Coeur d’Alene resident, explaining why he didn’t participate in a pregame cow milking contest when he managed in the minor leagues: “I didn’t want to get emotionally attached to the cow.”
4. Don Drysdale, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher, after the team plane was forced to make an emergency landing: “There wasn’t too much of a delay. We only had to change a spark plug and 30 pairs of shorts.”
5. Keith Olbermann, ESPN broadcaster, describing a double play: “That play went five to four to three (third baseman to second baseman to first baseman) if you’re scoring at home, or even if you’re watching by yourself.”
6. Bob Uecker, journeyman catcher: “I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for $3,000. That bothered my dad at the time, because we didn’t have that kind of dough to pay out, but eventually we scraped it up.”
7. Jim Leyland, Pittsburgh Pirates manager, mulling over his mixed emotions when coach Gene Lamont left the Pirates to take the managing job with the Chicago White Sox: “It’s like watching your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new Cadillac.”
8. Gates Brown, Detroit Tigers outfielder, reflecting on his high school days: “I took a little English, a little math, some science, a few hubcaps and some wheel covers.”
9. Bret Boone, Cincinnati Reds (and onetime Seattle Mariners) second baseman, sizing up the large head of teammate Joe Oliver: “What would you rather have, a million dollars, or Joe Oliver’s head full of nickels?”
10. Mickey Mantle, New York Yankees legend, discussing former teammate Billy Martin’s knack for getting into bar fights: “This is the only man I know in the world who can HEAR somebody giving him the finger.”
11. Tito Fuentes, San Francisco Giants second baseman, after being brushed back by a pitch: “They shouldn’t throw at me; I’m the father of five or six children.”
12. Tug McGraw, New York Mets pitcher, asked whether he prefers grass or AstroTurf: “I don’t know; I’ve never smoked AstroTurf.”
13. George Brett, Kansas City Royals third baseman (and longtime minority owner of the Spokane Indians), protesting when a friend asked him for some of his bats: “These things don’t grow on trees.”
14. Kent Biggerstaff, Pittsburgh Pirates trainer, downplaying the 4 pounds gained by chubby pitcher Rick Reuschel: “That’s like putting one more suitcase on the Queen Mary.”
15. Joaquin Andujar, veteran major league pitcher: “You can sum up the game of baseball in one word: You never know.”
16. Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres broadcaster, describing Dave Winfield’s futile attempt to catch a fly ball: “Winfield goes back to the wall, he hits his head on the wall, and it rolls off! It’s rolling all the way to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!”
17. Gary Gaetti, Minnesota Twins third baseman, asked why he no longer wore a mustache: “I still have it, I just keep it shaved.”
18. Jeff Stone, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder, explaining why he didn’t bring his television home after he played winter ball in Venezuela: “It only gets Spanish stations.”
19. Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants (and onetime Seattle Mariners) broadcaster and former Spokane Indians star: “Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.”
20. Bob Patterson, Chicago Cubs pitcher, describing a pitch he threw that was hit for a home run: “It was a cross between a change-up and a screwball. It was a screwup.”
21. Bobo Brayton, Washington State Cougars coach, analyzing an outfielder’s poor route on a fly ball: “He looks like a blind dog in a meat house.”
22. Dick Pole, onetime Seattle Mariners pitcher and coach, asked what people do in the summer back home in the chilly Upper Peninsula region of Michigan: “If it falls on a Saturday, we have a picnic.”
23. Ralph Kiner, New York Mets broadcaster: “Today is Father’s Day, so everyone out there, happy birthday!”
24. Jim Bouton, former Seattle Pilots pitcher and co-author of the best-selling baseball book “Ball Four”: “Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?”
25. Yogi Berra, New York Yankees icon, asked if a group of nude “streakers” who ran across the field were men or women: “I don’t know; they had bags over their heads.”
Howie Stalwick covered baseball and other sports for The Spokesman-Review and dozens of other newspapers, magazines, national wire services and online media nationwide (often as a freelancer) during a sports writing career that lasted more than four decades. He retired in his hometown of Spokane in 2016. Howie may be contacted at howiestalwick@frontier.com.