Miss Manners 9/20

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received two voicemail messages and an email from a reporter asking me to reply to a personal statement made by a relative. I replied by email that I was not going to comment.

Later, I wondered what the protocol is for questions from reporters. Am I free to ignore them? Is it more polite to give a negative response than no response at all? Are reporters in the same category as nosy neighbors, or should I think of them as fellow citizens “just doing their job”?

GENTLE READER: You put Miss Manners in an awkward position. Of course she deplores nosiness. But, uh, she has been a journalist all her adult life and, um, journalists ask questions.

Not that all questions are legitimate. Miss Manners winces when she sees newly bereaved people being asked how their loss makes them feel and other such probings that promote discomfort without yielding any actual news.

But some questions that are made to extract necessary information can nevertheless be unwelcome. If you are, for example, an elected official or a criminal (or both), you might look worse if you refuse to answer.

Miss Manners hopes she is not giving away trade secrets when she assures you that you need not respond. (Journalists count on your feeling too awkward not to fill the silence following the question.) And when asked to comment on others, it is usually wise to refrain.

A warning: Sometimes it is better to be noted as having been unable to be reached. “No comment” is the conventional way of refusing but that can be dangerous. This was impressed upon Miss Manners many years ago at an inaugural ball.

An outspoken Cabinet wife was instructed by her husband to stop talking to the media, so when someone asked her how she had enjoyed her dance with the new president (admittedly one of those silly questions), she replied with a curt “no comment.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently moved to a touristy town. It is expensive to live here. My daughter’s husband, a professional who makes very good money, flies here to work for two or three days a month.

We welcomed him to stay with us, but here is the problem: We found out that he is a moocher.

He never offers to buy food, he expects to drive my car for free and very seldom mutters a “thank you.” He is taking advantage of our hospitality and we are tired of his ungratefulness.

We would like him to contribute in some way, like buying food, taking us out to dinner or some other sort of appreciation. He can certainly afford it, whereas we are retired and on a fixed income. We are saving him hundreds of dollars by providing a free room, free car and free food. How do we handle this?

GENTLE READER: Not by calling your son-in-law a moocher, however much his manners leave to be desired. Miss Manners’ guess is that his parents expect nothing of him when he visits, and he is behaving as he thinks families do.

But you can treat him as family by handing him a grocery list, with the polite request that he shop on the way home, and by reminding him to put gas in the car.

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.