Miss Manners 7/12

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple I know is expecting their first child. Their announcement stated “We’re pregnant” and was followed up with regular updates using collective phrasing, such as “We’ve felt the baby kick” and “We’re starting to show.”

I know that this sort of inclusive approach to pregnancy is now popular, but, frankly, I don’t know how to phrase questions for the person who is actually carrying the child without slighting the co-parent.

They’re both very excited and eliciting feedback and comments, but I feel a little silly commiserating with both of them on morning sickness and nausea, which I experienced when I was pregnant, when clearly only one person is enduring those conditions. How would Miss Manners approach this?

GENTLE READER: With tolerance and an effort to keep from having a patronizing tone.

It is, after all, a good thing that the partner identifies so strongly with what the prospective mother is going through. And for all you know, her morning sickness might ruin breakfast for them both.

Oh, dear. Miss Manners’ tone still needs work. But she does appreciate such sweetness in expectant couples. It is useful that in the English language, “you” is both singular and plural.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to post photos online of loved ones lying in state?

GENTLE READER: Do you really mean “lying in state”? Was your loved one a high-ranking government official whose casket was on display in the United States Capitol or another government building?

If such was the case, you need not post it because everyone will already have seen it on the news. Publicly displayed elsewhere, a deceased official would be “lying in repose.” and one who was not a member of the government would be “lying in honor.”

But Miss Manners suspects that you mean a more usual situation, where the casket is on view at a funeral home or place of worship.

And she trusts that you mean a closed casket, and that you would limit access to the image to those who cared about that person.

Then you would have to ask yourself whether the deceased would have wanted that and whether it would be upsetting or comforting to those who saw it. The safer choice would be not to post it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never been very good at remembering names. There is this sweet lady couple one block over, and they have always called me by my name at neighborhood events and in casual encounters. They are lovely, and I would like to make our acquaintance a step closer.

The problem is that they have been here for 20 years and I cannot remember their names. Twenty years of smiling, waving, greetings – but I just do not know their names. Should I hire a private detective?

GENTLE READER: Only if you are not up to noticing which house they enter and looking it up in an app that allows you to enter an address. Or asking the mail carrier.

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.