Miss Manners 2/10

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a time when young college students were already becoming intolerably rude in the classroom, virtual teaching has brought them to new lows.

Students have sent me hectoring emails – some making various demands (in all caps), some outright attacking my professionalism. One parent actually emailed the university president with what amounted to an overreaction to her daughter’s struggles in the class. Reminders of proper etiquette have not improved this behavior.

GENTLE READER: History does not record that the invention of writing was accompanied by a rash of intemperate cuneiform proclamations later regretted, but it would not surprise Miss Manners to learn that it was so.

We are, as a species, strangely apt to forget the recipient of our communications when they are not staring us in the face.

What is quickly discovered, after the initial shock of each new communication technology, is that its permanence – the ability to share it with the human resources department – can be used to curb misbehavior. Ethan cannot deny his own words when they are right there in stone or clay or print or your inbox.

Miss Manners is confident that your university has written policies about respect and civility, although she cannot promise anyone has read them. If gentler corrections have failed, remind students – and, if necessary, their parents – of such policies, adding that you hope not to have to forward their correspondence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very good friend of ours is getting married in a couple of weeks, after a pandemic postponement. The guest list has been cut in half because of restrictions, but she really wanted us to be there, and we agreed.

We are feeling hesitant about going, as we are older. But we feel that we have passed the time when it would be acceptable to send our regrets since she has paid for food.

How should we proceed? Wear masks and keep our distance from everyone as much as possible? There will be a meal provided, so people will have their masks off to eat. We are struggling to know what the right thing to do would be.

GENTLE READER: Let us first agree that if you decide not to go, the problem is the rudeness of rescinding an offer after you have accepted it and the hurt it will cause your friend – not the quantity of leftover duck breast.

Miss Manners constantly rejects the modern tendency to justify every whim in the name of medicine, but her objections do not extend to actual health risks. Failure to attend when you are sick is not rude, nor is staying home because doctors say that you are more susceptible to a virus that is wreaking havoc worldwide.

Whether you choose to exercise this option is a question for you, not etiquette. If you decide not to attend, call your friend and convey your great sorrow and remorse. Were she less aware of the contributions and sacrifices of the medical community during the pandemic, Miss Manners might have added that you could blame your absence on your doctor’s over-solicitousness.

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.