Dear Annie 4/1
Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. Everything was good until three years ago when a woman contacted me to tell me that she’d been seeing him. She apologized to me for it. After we got off the phone, I found her on Facebook and realized that they’d been “liking” each other’s posts for years. She even posted a photo of them together, and someone had commented making a sexual joke about them. They’d both replied and laughed.
So, I confronted my boyfriend, and he stopped – or so I thought. Then, six months ago, I found charges on his credit card statement for some local hotel! He brushed it off, said it hadn’t been him.
We have smart security cameras at our front and back door, and ever since I confronted him about the middle-of-the-night hotel charges, he’s disabled my ability to access the camera feeds from my phone. But I can always tell when he’s with her because he won’t answer his phone. (Otherwise, he always answers his phone.) I just hate the thought that the last 10 years were for nothing. – Had It Up to Here
Dear HIUTH: Make decisions based on your future, not on your past. You’re caught up in the sunk cost fallacy – continuing your current relationship just because you’ve already spent so much time in it and don’t want it to have been a waste. The thing is, it wasn’t really a waste. Consider the good moments you’ve had, even with your boyfriend. Consider the tough, character-building moments, too. It’s all added up to a meaningful period of growth and lessons you can take into the next decade – after leaving this lecher in the last, pronto.
Dear Annie: Just wanted to say thank you for including the letters from people who really love and appreciate their spouses. Life has been difficult lately for many of us, and reading positive words is uplifting. Dwelling on people’s often-petty complaints makes me feel down while reading inspiring words of love and appreciation makes me feel hopeful. – Keep the Positivity Coming!
Dear Keep the Positivity: Thank you for your kind words. Cheers to positivity. The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time, so choose a positive one whenever you remember.
Dear Annie: Please tell “Lost in Love” to get out of that toxic relationship immediately. It’s not worth another minute of her time. She may love him “with every fiber” of her being, but that love is not being returned. Any respectable man would not take money from a relationship to pay his mortgage and give nothing in return. I promise you, she will never regret leaving, only staying one more day. – Been There
Dear Been There: Thank you for sharing your advice based on a similar experience.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.