Dear Annie: Petulant partner

Dear Annie: My husband of 20 years, “Earl,” can be friendly when he wants to be. We usually are very compatible, but once in a while, I feel verbally abused.

For example, his insurance company has an annual dinner. At the dinner two years ago, the man seated on the other side of Earl tried to converse with both of us, while Earl stared straight ahead. Other people joined our table, and more conversations took place, but Earl was like a concrete statue. As we got up to leave, I said goodbye. Earl stood behind me and stated sarcastically (and not quietly), “If you want to stay and visit, I could come back later.” I asked him last year not to buy tickets, and he didn’t, but he just came home with tickets for this year’s dinner, and I reminded him that I said I would never attend one again. A tirade resulted. He says I hold a grudge and I keep track of occasions he doesn’t even remember. He also says I am never happy unless I’m complaining about him.

Similar statements have embarrassed me through the years. Over and over, these sarcastic statements not only embarrass me but hurt me.

Today I tried to make him understand, but it ended with him telling me to move out. Am I too sensitive, or is he too callous? – A Fly in the Ointment

Dear Fly in the Ointment: No, you are not being too sensitive, and to call your husband callous would, in a sense, be too generous. “Callous” implies indifference more than it does malice. The latter is more the case with your husband. This is not sustainable.

Because your husband seems far from ready to admit this to you or even to himself, it’s time to enlist the aid of an objective third party. Tell your husband you’d like to go to marriage counseling.