Paul Turner: Just how well do you know the kid who mows your lawn?

Here are a few questions for the kid who comes to your door and asks about mowing the lawn.

Are you licensed and bonded?

Do you feel like it’s the job of an institution of higher learning to train enrollees to become professional athletes?

Will Spokane be one of America’s last holdouts for cigarette smoking?

What’s the best way to note that you haven’t seen a box office blockbuster in 20 years without coming off as a snob?

When you are waiting for your luggage at the Spokane airport, do you stand back just a bit so that others might step in front of you to collect their bag when it arrives or do you position yourself right next to the carrousel so that there’s no way to get by you?

Speaking of smoking, did you ever know people who somehow believed their cigarette habit was a secret and apparently were unaware that the distinctive smell permeated everything about them, from their hair to their clothes to the letters they mailed?

Ever had a sunburn so bad you were almost speaking in tongues?

Have you read any of the recent scholarship on Robert E. Lee asserting that much of our traditional view of him, both as a man and as a military leader, was seen through absurdly rose-tinted glasses?

I know it has been a while now, but where do you come down on the whole Wernher von Braun question?

Was the Spokane connection to the Los Angeles Dodgers so long ago now that it would come as a total revelation to anyone under the age of 60?

Do you think your grandparents ever heard slightly older high school classmates say they had just gotten their SAT results and it looked like they would be spending a year “studying abroad” – in Vietnam.

Do you believe Jesus would have looked like he was from Norway?

What do you do when your airline seatmate wants to correct your politics?

Ever been in your yard and heard a neighbor cat speak to you from up on your own roof?

Ever more or less stopped being friends with someone because of his or her adamant refusal to see the 2015 movie “Spotlight”?

Which is the more popular topic in Spokane right now: the housing market or sinus drainage?

When you pick up a work of nonfiction, do you always go first to the book’s index and look to see if there are any mentions of Spokane?

It’s that time again

We’re coming up on Bicycle Month in Spokane (or whatever they’re calling it this year).

There will be all sorts of activities.

See if you can guess which of the following are real events and which I’m just making up:

Pancake breakfast at Riverfront Park.

Pizza party on National Bike to Work Day.

Mock SUV Drivers Day.

Pretend that Bike Commuting Makes Sense for Everyone Day.

Smugly Celebrate Our Lifestyle Superiority Day.

Clinic on dealing with the “But … but … you cyclists don’t pay taxes!” idiocy.

Can’t We All Just Agree that Scooters are the Real Enemy Day.

Guess the Weight of the People in that SUV Day.

Climate Change Deniers/AR-15 Owners Club Bike Riding Day.

Drive Your Truck to Work Day.

Therapy booths for motorists utterly unhinged by the idea of sharing the road with bike riders.

Symposium: Hills and other key differences between Spokane and Holland.

Everybody Just Try to Get Along Day.

Cigarette Smoking Trump Backers in Spandex Day.

How to Properly Scorn E-assist Day.

Who Needs a Shower Day.

In-gathering of testimonials: Most bike riders and drivers peacefully coexist in Spokane.

(Yes, that’s correct. The first two are real.)

End note

So let me ask you something. Do you think there’s anyone alive who still refers to this newspaper as The Socialist Review? I mean, outside Matt Shea’s district.

My guess is they’re all dead now. Either that or they’ve had to begrudgingly admit that Cowles Company is a decidedly capitalist outfit. But since when have facts ever mattered to those who say Socialist Review?

This came to mind because Wednesday is May Day. And every few years, I like to ask readers how they think the Commies down at Riverside and Monroe should celebrate the occasion.

You know, call each other comrade, share the wealth, everybody wear red, write stories recalling Sputnik, et cetera.

When I brought this up six years ago, my friend and former colleague, Addy Hatch, shared this.

“Another fun name we’ve been called: Spokesman-Repuke.”

Which would have been perfect to go with the S-R’s old slogan, “Wake Up and Read It!”

It could have been, “Wake Up and Repuke!”

OK, perhaps not.

I’ll have more elegant prose stylings for you next week.

Columnist Paul Turner can be reached at srpaulturner@gmail.com.