Miss Manners: Dropping the unofficial ‘wifely’ titles

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband works at an institution where there is a chancellor and a president.

What is the correct title to use for the wife of the president?

I would have thought “first lady,” but isn’t that how you would address the wife of the chancellor?

GENTLE READER: Even the wife of the president of the United States has no official title, no matter how often she is referred to as first lady. That is something that President Kennedy’s wife tried in vain to avoid, pointing out that “First Lady” sounded like the name of a horse.

And with the ersatz title, expectations have arisen about what duties a first lady – of whatever job her husband holds – should perform, regardless of her inclinations, skills or other priorities. That many generously comply should not make it compulsory for all.

Miss Manners urges you to drop and discourage the notion of such wifely titles. If the wife of your chancellor or president is a professor or a doctor, use that title in addressing her. Otherwise, the correct protocol at all levels is to address her as “Mrs.” or “Ms.” with her surname.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were invited to a “bridal couples’ shower” as friends of the groom’s parents. I take pride in trying to find the perfect gift.

After we arrived, the mother of the groom asked us if we would mind if the gifts weren’t opened during the shower. She said the couple was “too shy to open gifts in front of everyone.” She added that we would receive a very nice thank-you card.

I was surprised and disappointed, as I would have liked to see them open our gift. Is this the norm for our upcoming newlywed generation?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary – these young people grew up with the ritual of children opening birthday presents in front of their guests, and many have concluded that it should be abandoned.

It depends too much on the young host’s being able to express gratitude, even if disappointed and in case of duplicates, and on the guests’ being able to suppress envy. In addition, it sets up an implied rivalry among the guests.

So while these are behavioral lessons to be learned, Miss Manners approves of using the occasion instead to teach how to entertain and be guests and to write letters of thanks.

That your grown-up friends are skipping this questionable ritual seems sensible to Miss Manners. It should not have been necessary for the mother to explain that appreciation of your present would be expressed in a letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend, her husband, my husband and myself ordered carryout dinners from a restaurant where my friend’s husband does free plumbing work, and the restaurant, in turn, will give him free platters.

I offered to pay for my husband’s and my part of the order, and my friend said no. I felt bad, so I insisted she take it, but again was told no. If my friends were not charged for the carryout, should I be obligated to pay?

GENTLE READER: You are obligated, but not to pay. It disturbs Miss Manners that so many people believe that money is the only way to pay social obligations. Your friends have entertained you, and the way to reciprocate is by inviting them.