Miss Manners: Substitute guest not welcome

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a dinner at my home for some close friends, and one texted the day before to let me know that she would not be able to attend; however, her husband would still be able to make it. They had taken it upon themselves to invite a friend of theirs named Bert in her place.

I had met Bert on prior occasions and have always been appalled at his rude manners. Anything from lecturing me about my “obesity” to arrogantly correcting anyone within earshot is the norm for him.

My friends seem oblivious to his behavior, even though it happens right in front of them. He has chased away many guests at their home, due to his sharp words. While I can simply remove myself from his presence at their gatherings (or more often, I don’t attend many of their gatherings anymore), I would not have the same option at my own table. I certainly would not want to subject my guests to his belligerent attitude.

The fact is, he is not welcome in my home. I was in a very difficult situation, since my friends had already issued the invitation. I couldn’t use the excuse that I wouldn’t have room at the table, as the wife would be absent and Bert would be occupying her spot.

I told her that I didn’t mean to be offensive, however, I needed to be able to trust that Bert would refrain from being rude to me and to my guests. She was taken aback, as she insists that he is “a sweet guy.”

I happen to know that several others have disagreed with her on this point over the years. In the end, the husband and Bert did not show up, and my friend is quite offended. I’m sure that I could have handled it better, but I’m at a loss as to what could have been said. Whenever anyone has tried to discuss the topic with her, she completely denies it and is very insulted. How could I have politely conveyed that it is not appropriate to invite someone else to my home, especially someone that I don’t even like?

GENTLE READER: The specific problem you mentioned is simpler to answer than the general problem you propose. Rather than exact a pledge for Bert’s behavior, you could have – if you feel as strongly about Bert as you indicate – apologized, but explained that Bert is not among the guests you invite to your home.

This creates a problem for the friend who violated this rule by inviting him, but not for you. And while the answer may upset her, Miss Manners notes that your less direct approach had the same effect. Less extreme situations require less direct answers, with a less guaranteed result: “You know how Bert is an acquired taste, and while we should definitely get together, my other guests are very sensitive and will not get his sense of humor.”